One of my bestest friends in the whole wide world just started her own blog of her adorable family of four. Upon seeing she had a blog I had to share mine! Well once I did she started reading mine and it made me go back and reflect..
It's amazing that words can have such power because I was reading some of the entries from over a year ago and it brought me to tears. Life is not without battles yet so many people still like to pretend its all butterflies and daisies. As I read my entries I feel the pain and happiness of my past and I know Gods plan was not mine but his. I know I needed to feel so I could feel now.
I'm laying in bed today sick.. Not physically ill from illness just this wonderful thing called pregnancy. Was up all night sick.. Let my tone not inflict that I'm ungrateful. I am so not. I've prayed so feverishly for a child it still brings me to tears. Because not long ago if you asked me if I knew I'd be a mother I'd say yes of course but that little voice in my head was so fearful. And yet daily I'm still fearful.. Fearful this is a dream and ill wake up. Fearful something dreaded will happen to this child I love so deeply already. I pray daily still thanking god for my child and praying of health for he or she. I pray because that's the only handle on this fear. As much as I'd like to not be sick and have a glowing pregnancy I remind myself this is God answering your prayers. Stop being selfish and carry on!
And my friend the one who I mentioned above, she has had her own share of life which is her story to tell but she kindly reminds me when I'm feeling so physically weak today that this is a miracle! And miracles don't cease without sacrifice right?! Or is that just pregnancy?
She reminds me to be thankful and to power on.
Gods amazing.. He brings us these people who really help us through. He has blessed my family with so much I can't comprehend right now.
So as sick as I am I will rejoice! Baby bean we've waited for you for so long and I can't wait to meet you. I've prayed for you and I will continue to. So keep on growing.. Keep on letting me know you're there!
Showing posts with label Baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Baby. Show all posts
Friday
Thursday
9-10weeks
Week 9 I've been off of work sue to Christmas break and almost going stir crazy being in the house. Still on light duty and feeling bad I didn't do much. To top it off I got food poisoning that did me in! I was very worried about the baby and hoping it all went ok at the Jan 2 appointment. We lost our first baby in the first trimester because he or she stopped growing so I was very worried about similar news!
How far along? 10 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss? No weight gain actually lost 5 lbs from food poisoning in week 9!
Maternity clothes? Not yet ordered some online since my work pants are snug and uncomfortable
Stretch marks? None, thank goodness.
Sleep? Prior to this week I was in bed by 7:30 each night but being off and taking it easy has resulted in a messed up schedule!
Best moment last week? Seeing Baby kick his or her legs on the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat! Makes me cry every time!
Movement? Too early
Food cravings? None it's food aversions
Gender? Don't know
Labor signs? None, and let's keep it that way!
Belly button in/out? In.
What I miss: Being useful. I want walk the dog, clean and be up and about.
What I am looking forward to: my next ob appointment at twelve weeks!
Milestones: Dr said since bleed is gone I am able to resume activity slowly and cautiously no exercise or lifting!!!
Attached are two ultrasound pics one with the heartbeat at 180. Baby is measuring large!! Healthy even though mama is sick!
Yeah!
How far along? 10 weeks 5 days
Total weight gain/loss? No weight gain actually lost 5 lbs from food poisoning in week 9!
Maternity clothes? Not yet ordered some online since my work pants are snug and uncomfortable
Stretch marks? None, thank goodness.
Sleep? Prior to this week I was in bed by 7:30 each night but being off and taking it easy has resulted in a messed up schedule!
Best moment last week? Seeing Baby kick his or her legs on the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat! Makes me cry every time!
Movement? Too early
Food cravings? None it's food aversions
Gender? Don't know
Labor signs? None, and let's keep it that way!
Belly button in/out? In.
What I miss: Being useful. I want walk the dog, clean and be up and about.
What I am looking forward to: my next ob appointment at twelve weeks!
Milestones: Dr said since bleed is gone I am able to resume activity slowly and cautiously no exercise or lifting!!!
Attached are two ultrasound pics one with the heartbeat at 180. Baby is measuring large!! Healthy even though mama is sick!
Yeah!
Tuesday
Week 7-8
Rewind back to week 7... Well on week 7 we went in for an ultrasound to check on our little bean and heard the heart rate and saw he or she. The doctor was happy with the progress we were making and the bleed had slowed. The ultrasound machine at the doctor office (which I am thankful for) isn't the best quality pic. When we were at the ER we were able to see so much more and clearer. I am hoping in the coming weeks with baby growing we will be able to see more clearly.
Week 8 the bleed had stopped and I was starting to feel more optimistic about this. The bleed really scared me with our history. So here are the first preggo pics and the week 8 ultrasound. Surprisingly, I haven't gained weight it is just readjusting. I was very bloated this week.
Fortunately, I haven't had any horrible morning sickness since week 8 just the whole hangover sensation that lasts all day. I am tired alot and have alot of food aversions. But otherwise I am starting to feel almost normal again. Which is kinda frightening to me. I would almost prefer the preggo feelings so I know I am still preggo. Still on light duty so lots of reading is happening. I go back to the Dr Jan 2 which I am so anxious to do because I want to make sure the lil bean is ok!! I am officially 10 weeks right now.. almost over the first trimester!! I can still fit in my normal clothes but they are snug and uncomfortable so on break right now I am sticking to comfortable baggy yoga pants.
Week 8 the bleed had stopped and I was starting to feel more optimistic about this. The bleed really scared me with our history. So here are the first preggo pics and the week 8 ultrasound. Surprisingly, I haven't gained weight it is just readjusting. I was very bloated this week.
Fortunately, I haven't had any horrible morning sickness since week 8 just the whole hangover sensation that lasts all day. I am tired alot and have alot of food aversions. But otherwise I am starting to feel almost normal again. Which is kinda frightening to me. I would almost prefer the preggo feelings so I know I am still preggo. Still on light duty so lots of reading is happening. I go back to the Dr Jan 2 which I am so anxious to do because I want to make sure the lil bean is ok!! I am officially 10 weeks right now.. almost over the first trimester!! I can still fit in my normal clothes but they are snug and uncomfortable so on break right now I am sticking to comfortable baggy yoga pants.
Monday
Our little bean
Let's rewind to end of October Early November 2012:
So you can imagine my suprise when I have cramps kinda like you're gonna have your monthly visitor and nothing happens for a week! So like any crazy lady wanting a baby I went out and bought a ton of pregnancy tests! Yep, you can image my reaction.
I continued to buy them and take them almost every 3 days until I got into the doctor to confirm the pregnancy. At five weeks they confirmed the pregnancy. My levels were wonderful and there was our little baby!
So you can imagine my suprise when I have cramps kinda like you're gonna have your monthly visitor and nothing happens for a week! So like any crazy lady wanting a baby I went out and bought a ton of pregnancy tests! Yep, you can image my reaction.
We were super excited! But a week later in week 6 I had a bleed and was put on bedrest. It really freaked us out. I went to the ER and they were able to locate the baby and the heart beat. But since week 6 I have been on light duty. Which has been hard but will all be worth it in the end! I went in weekly til week 8. Now I don't go back till the new year!
Wednesday
What I have been doing.
Well since the miscarriage.. I have been trying to keep busy. Busy helps me get on with life.. not that I don't hurt inside. I do.. but life goes on and everyone else forgets that you just lost a baby. You're the only one that really remembers what just happened.
We got back from our anniversary trip where Nate and I got awesome together and quiet time. But as soon as we got back on the grid we started getting emails, messages via fb and texts plus calls...people wanting to hang out and do stuff.. like I said Life Goes on and everyone else forgets (except you). I have been selective on who I chose to confide my deepest thoughts in. Fortunately I have great girlfriends who have also been battling their own fertility issues this past year. It has been comforting to have them to listen to me and understand.
Upon getting home my HomeDepot knobs and handles were waiting. I ordered handles for the master bath to match my new glass knobs I found.The glass handles were only sold online and not in stores but I desperately needed them to complete the beautiful knobs I found for less than 3 bucks each for glass knobs!!
Here is the before.. just plain silver knobs nothing special.
And here is my great one of kind glass knobs that I found antiquing and my HomeDepot handles..
Here is a close up of the knobs
Aren't they just gorgeous???
And I wanted something fun for our guest bath that will eventually be used by our future kids and house guests (remember we have a 1/2 bath in the down stairs too..no one really uses the upstairs bath unless they are overniters) .. because it is spa/beach inspired I went with a silver seahorse.
Are those not fun.. I think of hardware on cabinets like jewelry- it doesn't have to be boring and classic and in the rules all the time. It should be fun and explain the room. I think the glass is very vintage and classic which is perfect for the master bath (and Nate prefers classic) but the sea horse handles are great for a relaxed guest bath also (and fun which I love). Hey they may not be to everyone's liking.. but I am not selling my house or am I looking for everyone's approval.. Life's short so why shouldn't your cabinet jewels be fun?!
On top of redoing the cabinet handles upstairs (which was under 25 bucks for all) I have been racking my brain on curtains for the 3rd bedroom. The third bedroom wasn't used really when we bought our house.. For three years it has held Nate's books for his business and the closet had the cat's liter boxes. Over Spring we moved the cat's liter boxes to the garage with the reminder of the books. Once the room was cleared out we put back the vintage dresser and rocker.. maybe eventually there will be a twin bed or crib. But until than I wanted to decorate the room to my liking. The bland blinds were just killing me.. it just felt so bare. I often go in there to escape the noise in the house to read, study and do my homework for my masters. The walls are aqua now and the rocker has paisley with blue, brown, green and tan in it.. do you recall it?? Let me refresh your mind..
It looks a little different now because I added a little cabinet from home goods and moved in the PB look alike lamp. I'll post new pics after the curtains get in.
I wanted to get fabric for the drapes that wasn't so traditional since the dresser is vintage and the paisley is very traditional as well as the rocker. I started looking on etsy last night and found gorgeous chevron curtains.. but I didn't like any of the patterns and if the room will be a child's room eventually I wanted something that could transition as well as play off the pattern on the rocker. That is when I found these gorgeous Chevron Teal Drapes but they were $182.00 a panel. I than found the material on Rosen Berry Rooms with matching bedding- bedding is gorgeous but with floor to ceiling drapes I think it is a bit much for my taste and wallet. Of course for no sew drapes which I needed 10 yards I wasn't paying 34 bucks a yard. I than found the exact material on fabric.com and bought the remainder listed on the website for 8.98 a yard. I even scored free shipping. I should have plenty of fabric left over to make a couple of throw pillows. I need to make two panels for the window and I haven't decided on one or two panels for the opening in the closet.
I think the chevron incorporates the colors in the room already and it is so gender neutral. It can be incorporated into a nursery/child's room for a boy or girl and it is NOT just any chevron print that you see everywhere. I am so excited to get it and get started on my drapes.
Did you know about Annette Tatum.. I adore her Little House collection. I feel in love with her Crib Sheets for babies' rooms. Unfortunately I won't be ordering any soon.. But I found out my best friend Kourtney is 8 weeks pregnant and she is due the same week I would have been. I am thrilled for her because they have been trying for quite sometime.. but it breaks my heart that I miscarried and our babies would have been days apart. On top of that my other bff Kristin is starting treatments to get preggo this month.. which means my closest gfs will both be preggo while I am still mourning my loss.
I am super excited for both of them (really I am) since they also have had difficulties with having a child..and I know how much it pains the heart to want a baby and not have one. But at the same time, I am selfish and I can't help but think I would be due the same week as Kourtney and when she has her baby it will just remind me of my empty arms.. and now Kristin is most likely too.. which means even though we have no problem conceiving I can't seem to hold pregnancies and there is no guarantee this won't happen again. As much as I would love to be pregnant with my two best friends I have this feeling that even if I got pregnant soon I'd loss it again.. I know I am pessimistic. I try to think about getting pregnant again and I think happy thoughts and than the bad thoughts of lossing another one creep into my head. I know the thoughts will always be there and Nate & I both agree we want to try again so I need to rid myself of negativity.. but it's hard.. it's hard when you have now lost two pregnancies.
In other news, Nate is on a golf trip this week so lots of home projects for me and studying for my big test next Wednesday!
We got back from our anniversary trip where Nate and I got awesome together and quiet time. But as soon as we got back on the grid we started getting emails, messages via fb and texts plus calls...people wanting to hang out and do stuff.. like I said Life Goes on and everyone else forgets (except you). I have been selective on who I chose to confide my deepest thoughts in. Fortunately I have great girlfriends who have also been battling their own fertility issues this past year. It has been comforting to have them to listen to me and understand.
Upon getting home my HomeDepot knobs and handles were waiting. I ordered handles for the master bath to match my new glass knobs I found.The glass handles were only sold online and not in stores but I desperately needed them to complete the beautiful knobs I found for less than 3 bucks each for glass knobs!!
And I wanted something fun for our guest bath that will eventually be used by our future kids and house guests (remember we have a 1/2 bath in the down stairs too..no one really uses the upstairs bath unless they are overniters) .. because it is spa/beach inspired I went with a silver seahorse.
On top of redoing the cabinet handles upstairs (which was under 25 bucks for all) I have been racking my brain on curtains for the 3rd bedroom. The third bedroom wasn't used really when we bought our house.. For three years it has held Nate's books for his business and the closet had the cat's liter boxes. Over Spring we moved the cat's liter boxes to the garage with the reminder of the books. Once the room was cleared out we put back the vintage dresser and rocker.. maybe eventually there will be a twin bed or crib. But until than I wanted to decorate the room to my liking. The bland blinds were just killing me.. it just felt so bare. I often go in there to escape the noise in the house to read, study and do my homework for my masters. The walls are aqua now and the rocker has paisley with blue, brown, green and tan in it.. do you recall it?? Let me refresh your mind..
I wanted to get fabric for the drapes that wasn't so traditional since the dresser is vintage and the paisley is very traditional as well as the rocker. I started looking on etsy last night and found gorgeous chevron curtains.. but I didn't like any of the patterns and if the room will be a child's room eventually I wanted something that could transition as well as play off the pattern on the rocker. That is when I found these gorgeous Chevron Teal Drapes but they were $182.00 a panel. I than found the material on Rosen Berry Rooms with matching bedding- bedding is gorgeous but with floor to ceiling drapes I think it is a bit much for my taste and wallet. Of course for no sew drapes which I needed 10 yards I wasn't paying 34 bucks a yard. I than found the exact material on fabric.com and bought the remainder listed on the website for 8.98 a yard. I even scored free shipping. I should have plenty of fabric left over to make a couple of throw pillows. I need to make two panels for the window and I haven't decided on one or two panels for the opening in the closet.
I think the chevron incorporates the colors in the room already and it is so gender neutral. It can be incorporated into a nursery/child's room for a boy or girl and it is NOT just any chevron print that you see everywhere. I am so excited to get it and get started on my drapes.
Did you know about Annette Tatum.. I adore her Little House collection. I feel in love with her Crib Sheets for babies' rooms. Unfortunately I won't be ordering any soon.. But I found out my best friend Kourtney is 8 weeks pregnant and she is due the same week I would have been. I am thrilled for her because they have been trying for quite sometime.. but it breaks my heart that I miscarried and our babies would have been days apart. On top of that my other bff Kristin is starting treatments to get preggo this month.. which means my closest gfs will both be preggo while I am still mourning my loss.
I am super excited for both of them (really I am) since they also have had difficulties with having a child..and I know how much it pains the heart to want a baby and not have one. But at the same time, I am selfish and I can't help but think I would be due the same week as Kourtney and when she has her baby it will just remind me of my empty arms.. and now Kristin is most likely too.. which means even though we have no problem conceiving I can't seem to hold pregnancies and there is no guarantee this won't happen again. As much as I would love to be pregnant with my two best friends I have this feeling that even if I got pregnant soon I'd loss it again.. I know I am pessimistic. I try to think about getting pregnant again and I think happy thoughts and than the bad thoughts of lossing another one creep into my head. I know the thoughts will always be there and Nate & I both agree we want to try again so I need to rid myself of negativity.. but it's hard.. it's hard when you have now lost two pregnancies.
In other news, Nate is on a golf trip this week so lots of home projects for me and studying for my big test next Wednesday!
You are My Sunshine
When I was a little girl my mom always woke us up singing "You are my Sunshine" or "Rise and Shine & Give God the Glory". It was tradition in our house. As I got older (teen) my mom still did it and I would tell her to shh mom. I mean as a teen you can't pretend to think your mom waking you up the same way as she did when you are little was cool. Sometimes though because I secretly liked it my mom would wake me up first and than we would go and sing to my sisters. But as much as I pretended to hate it, it was comforting to have my mom wake me with lovely words each day.
I sometimes miss hearing someone sing to me each morning. So in the mornings I listen to Pandora Radio - Jack Johnson's Radio Station while I get ready. It plays alot of Children Songs and slow hawaiian based music (very relaxing). This morning I woke up to You are my sunshine playing on Pandora. I know it was just coincendence that it came on this morning. But it was like God was telling me "here is your comfort..I am here". Even as a grown woman I need comforting still. I cry and my mom still crys with me. She lives about 40 mins away and is a Director at a Hospital.. so she is busy.. so she doesn't come and hold me like she would when I was little. But sometimes when you are hurting you wish your mom would hold you.
This morning when You are my Sunshine came on, it first reminded me that God has a plan. He has a plan and he is with me. It than reminded me of my mom; all those days she sang those familiar words to me. Than I started listening to the lyrics and it reminded me that this song was almost wrote just for me. It sings about how please don't take my sunshine away and how I lay dreaming of holding you but I awoke to relize you aren't there and hung my head and cried.
See after the miscarriage my sunshine was taken away and there have been many nights and days I sit dreaming about what my baby would have looked like- Me or Nate or a great combination of us. What my baby would feel like to hold. What my child would have become if I would have been able to have him/her and raise him/her. I have hung my head and cried.. so I feel like this song as beautiful as it is held bigger meaning now than it ever has.
Last night I talked with Nate about my feelings currently. I am going thru so many emotions about the miscarriage still. But on top of all that I am late. I am not really late yet so I don't want to get my hopes up again.. so I told him. He is like well lets go take a test. As much as I want a child, those pregnancy test scare me more now than before. Because what if I am and than I loss another pregnancy.. and if I am not it is the disheartening feelings that I had a little glimmer of being pregnant again.
Nate is so sure we will get pregnant again, he is so sure that we will have a baby and have a family. I love that he is so positive and sure of it. But sometimes I question how can you be so certain. I am going thru all these rollercoaster emotions and he's so positive it will be ok. It's funny because when we go thru crisis it always flip flops on who is the one that is certain in their faith and sure that things will be ok. Many times it has been me telling him I am sure it will be ok. But in this instance I have questioned everything and Nate has always been sure. Thank God I have him. He assured me last night that God wasn't punishing me and he knew I would be a mom. It's funny because he says one of the reason he chose me as a wife is because he always knew I would be a great mom. I think that is funny.. because I never considered his potential till I was pregnant. I know he will be aweseome but it never occured to me. He told me about how he used to watch me with his neices and nephews or when I was working as a nanny. He said he knew than that I would be awesome. It touched my heart to hear him say it.
Below I posted the words to You are my Sunshine. I know almost everyone knows the words but really read them. The words resounded in me this morning and I hope my sunshine is in Heaven with my Grandma & Grandpa being loved right now by them and all the beautiful angels with them. I pray that I will meet my sunshine someday. But until then I will accept these dark moments as the dark spots of the painting of my life just like Julie said and wait for the beautiful light colorful moments to take over all those dark spots.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
I'll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only stay the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You'll regret it all some day;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
I sometimes miss hearing someone sing to me each morning. So in the mornings I listen to Pandora Radio - Jack Johnson's Radio Station while I get ready. It plays alot of Children Songs and slow hawaiian based music (very relaxing). This morning I woke up to You are my sunshine playing on Pandora. I know it was just coincendence that it came on this morning. But it was like God was telling me "here is your comfort..I am here". Even as a grown woman I need comforting still. I cry and my mom still crys with me. She lives about 40 mins away and is a Director at a Hospital.. so she is busy.. so she doesn't come and hold me like she would when I was little. But sometimes when you are hurting you wish your mom would hold you.
This morning when You are my Sunshine came on, it first reminded me that God has a plan. He has a plan and he is with me. It than reminded me of my mom; all those days she sang those familiar words to me. Than I started listening to the lyrics and it reminded me that this song was almost wrote just for me. It sings about how please don't take my sunshine away and how I lay dreaming of holding you but I awoke to relize you aren't there and hung my head and cried.
See after the miscarriage my sunshine was taken away and there have been many nights and days I sit dreaming about what my baby would have looked like- Me or Nate or a great combination of us. What my baby would feel like to hold. What my child would have become if I would have been able to have him/her and raise him/her. I have hung my head and cried.. so I feel like this song as beautiful as it is held bigger meaning now than it ever has.
Last night I talked with Nate about my feelings currently. I am going thru so many emotions about the miscarriage still. But on top of all that I am late. I am not really late yet so I don't want to get my hopes up again.. so I told him. He is like well lets go take a test. As much as I want a child, those pregnancy test scare me more now than before. Because what if I am and than I loss another pregnancy.. and if I am not it is the disheartening feelings that I had a little glimmer of being pregnant again.
Nate is so sure we will get pregnant again, he is so sure that we will have a baby and have a family. I love that he is so positive and sure of it. But sometimes I question how can you be so certain. I am going thru all these rollercoaster emotions and he's so positive it will be ok. It's funny because when we go thru crisis it always flip flops on who is the one that is certain in their faith and sure that things will be ok. Many times it has been me telling him I am sure it will be ok. But in this instance I have questioned everything and Nate has always been sure. Thank God I have him. He assured me last night that God wasn't punishing me and he knew I would be a mom. It's funny because he says one of the reason he chose me as a wife is because he always knew I would be a great mom. I think that is funny.. because I never considered his potential till I was pregnant. I know he will be aweseome but it never occured to me. He told me about how he used to watch me with his neices and nephews or when I was working as a nanny. He said he knew than that I would be awesome. It touched my heart to hear him say it.
Below I posted the words to You are my Sunshine. I know almost everyone knows the words but really read them. The words resounded in me this morning and I hope my sunshine is in Heaven with my Grandma & Grandpa being loved right now by them and all the beautiful angels with them. I pray that I will meet my sunshine someday. But until then I will accept these dark moments as the dark spots of the painting of my life just like Julie said and wait for the beautiful light colorful moments to take over all those dark spots.
You Are My Sunshine
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away
The other nite, dear,
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms.
When I awoke, dear,
I was mistaken
And I hung my head and cried.
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
I'll always love you
And make you happy
If you will only stay the same
But if you leave me
To love another
You'll regret it all some day;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
You told me once, dear
You really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me
And love another
You have shattered all my dreams;
You are my sunshine,
My only sunshine.
You make me happy
When skies are grey.
You'll never know, dear,
How much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Tuesday
Would you prefer the truth or a white lie?
I say would you prefer the truth or a white lie, because when someone asks "How are you doing" you often say fine or great.. even if in reality your heart is breaking inside and you are holding back the tears. See my reality is that I often appear fine and I try to convience myself that I am fine. Yet, inside I am still hurting. I busy myself with projects around the house, studying for my masters program and teaching before I let myself admit my feelings. I had months that went by that I wanted to cave up in bed and just cry. After those months I refused to let myself feel sorry and just stayed busy. I guess what I am saying is because I say I am ok doesn't really mean I am ok. It is a white lie to you and a white lie to me also.. because if I say it enough maybe I will convience myself of it.
I thought I was over the hurdle of being hurt, anger and upset about my loss of my child. I thought that the tears would stop and I could just mourn that I lost my child. That was until last night. We are blessed by the Lord with friends that are so spectacular that they are like family. They take care of us when we are hurting, they laugh with us when we are happy and they cheer us on when it comes to achieving our dreams. What better friends could you ask for right? Well those great friends are so incredibly generous that they have passed down major items you would need for the first year of a baby's life. Recently they gifted us with a bouncer, swing, boopy pillow and a couple other items. I thought it was awesome and I was so appreciative of their generousity.
Than last night Nate came home with more baby items in the car from our wonderful friends. I lost it. I don't know what triggered these emotions really but I started crying and couldn't stop. I started thinking about the misscarriage how my emotions have changed so much over the past months but it doesn't hurt any less. I than realized that if I hadn't had my misscarriage I would be holding a baby soon. I would be giving birth any day now and I would have a baby. I would be holding and loving on my child.. but God had other plans. I have so many people tell me just know God had plans for your family and that the Baby needed to be with God. I understand that it makes you feel better to tell me my baby needed to be with God. But I think that is a load of crap for you to say to me unless you have lost your child. Unless you have been where I have been and went thru the pain physically and mentally don't give me this God has your child bs.
Please understand that I trust God and I know he has a plan. And I truely believe my child is in heaven and one day I will meet him or her and hold them. But for someone to tell me these things when they haven't been there is hurtful and doesn't lessen the pain for me. It angers me. It angers me when someone says this to me and they have a family or a beautiful baby and have never lost a child. How can you tell me this when you haven't even been there and you have exactly what I wish for so bad.
So please understand that deep down I am hurting. I am hurting and I don't need to hear from you to trust my faith and that God has a plan. Because in my lifetime God has made me fear him, hate him and love him and I know that there is a God. I know that he has a plan but it isn't for you to tell me so you feel better about my loss.
I write all this and it may feel like these are harsh words. But it seems that women that have never felt loss like to use these nice words to me and it truely is a stab at my heart. Yet at the same time I have meet wonderful women in real life and in blog land that have had infant mortality and miscarriage. It is comforting for me to hear other womans stories that have survived and have seen the darkness I have been to but now are in the light. This is comforting because they aren't speaking words just to make me feel better. They are speaking words because they know the pain and they know how it feels.
Last night I found the beautiful blog called Life Rearranged. She is doing a whole section of posts on infant mortality and miscarriage. It is true sadness but she is doing it to make people aware and raise money and in a sense help woman like me who are still in a bad place.
I read her post from : A Different Kind of Mother – Julie Carson {infant loss/miscarriage}. Which I have copied and pasted below because I feel these words resounded in me and helped me.
It was a happy normal day.
I had been contracting all weekend.
The ladies at bible study were giving me tips on how to jumpstart labor.
Funny tips.
I had my last OB appointment that afternoon.
The clothes were washed.
The room was painted.
The crib was built.
The suitcase was packed.
The carseat was safely buckled in the back of our car.
We were ready.
But in fact, we were far from ready.
Not ready in any sense of the word.
Not ready to hear the words “there is no heartbeat.”
Not ready for the dark and scary road that suddenly was in front of us.
The road we were forced to suddenly walk.
A road where babies die.
Where arms are empty.
Where planning a memorial and choosing a casket are part of the journey.
Two days later I gave birth to our 6lb. 8oz. daughter
Joy Emma.
Our daughter that we would never see take her first steps.
Graduate from high school.
Get married.
Have children of her own.
Everything we planned, everything we knew, changed that day.
We were parents without a child.
Grieving for a future that we would not see.
Dreams that would not come true.
Our hearts broke that day.
We became different people.
What we did not realize is that we became better people.
Stronger people.
People who have more strength than we ever imagined.
Love more fully.
Care deeply.
Live passionately.
Serve thankfully.
Give generously.
Long for heaven like nothing else.
That day I never would have imagined the legacy that Joy’s short life would leave.
The people who have been changed and encouraged.
The mother that I am now is an entirely different one than I would have been without Joy.
Every day is a gift.
Every moment is precious.
I am abundantly blessed.
With my three sweet girls here on earth and with my sweet girl in heaven.
My daughter that I will see again.
Hold again.
I realize now that the months of mourning and grieving are just the dark brushstrokes on the beautiful, wonderful painting that is my life.
The painting that is still so much a mystery, but a wonderful masterpiece that will all make perfect sense when it is completed.
I simply cannot wait for that day.
* * * *
This series is not just a litany of stories.
My goal is that it helps heal. Encourage. Glorify.
In conjunction with this series, we are also supporting one another in love by fundraising for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.
If you would like to read more on this please visit : http://liferearranged.com/category/infant-lossmiscarriage/
I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up to more tears. I drove to work crying. But I keep telling myself that God wouldn't show me this pain if the human body, mind and soul weren't so resilent. I know that the human mind, soul and body are because I have made it thru so much already in my short time here on earth. So I trust that GOD is leading me to woman that will help guide me thru this pain, he is guiding me to him for comfort and providing me with friends that will be generous even if just causes me pain. Because pain is part of the grieving game and one day I won't feel it as bad. Yet I will never totally heal from this. There will always be a scar on my heart.
I'm sorry for the lenghty post.. but I needed to get the words out. I needed to say how I felt. So if you read to this part I thank you for reading and supporting me in my healing. May I complete this marathon in life with God, family, friends and faith by my side.
I thought I was over the hurdle of being hurt, anger and upset about my loss of my child. I thought that the tears would stop and I could just mourn that I lost my child. That was until last night. We are blessed by the Lord with friends that are so spectacular that they are like family. They take care of us when we are hurting, they laugh with us when we are happy and they cheer us on when it comes to achieving our dreams. What better friends could you ask for right? Well those great friends are so incredibly generous that they have passed down major items you would need for the first year of a baby's life. Recently they gifted us with a bouncer, swing, boopy pillow and a couple other items. I thought it was awesome and I was so appreciative of their generousity.
Than last night Nate came home with more baby items in the car from our wonderful friends. I lost it. I don't know what triggered these emotions really but I started crying and couldn't stop. I started thinking about the misscarriage how my emotions have changed so much over the past months but it doesn't hurt any less. I than realized that if I hadn't had my misscarriage I would be holding a baby soon. I would be giving birth any day now and I would have a baby. I would be holding and loving on my child.. but God had other plans. I have so many people tell me just know God had plans for your family and that the Baby needed to be with God. I understand that it makes you feel better to tell me my baby needed to be with God. But I think that is a load of crap for you to say to me unless you have lost your child. Unless you have been where I have been and went thru the pain physically and mentally don't give me this God has your child bs.
Please understand that I trust God and I know he has a plan. And I truely believe my child is in heaven and one day I will meet him or her and hold them. But for someone to tell me these things when they haven't been there is hurtful and doesn't lessen the pain for me. It angers me. It angers me when someone says this to me and they have a family or a beautiful baby and have never lost a child. How can you tell me this when you haven't even been there and you have exactly what I wish for so bad.
So please understand that deep down I am hurting. I am hurting and I don't need to hear from you to trust my faith and that God has a plan. Because in my lifetime God has made me fear him, hate him and love him and I know that there is a God. I know that he has a plan but it isn't for you to tell me so you feel better about my loss.
I write all this and it may feel like these are harsh words. But it seems that women that have never felt loss like to use these nice words to me and it truely is a stab at my heart. Yet at the same time I have meet wonderful women in real life and in blog land that have had infant mortality and miscarriage. It is comforting for me to hear other womans stories that have survived and have seen the darkness I have been to but now are in the light. This is comforting because they aren't speaking words just to make me feel better. They are speaking words because they know the pain and they know how it feels.
Last night I found the beautiful blog called Life Rearranged. She is doing a whole section of posts on infant mortality and miscarriage. It is true sadness but she is doing it to make people aware and raise money and in a sense help woman like me who are still in a bad place.
I read her post from : A Different Kind of Mother – Julie Carson {infant loss/miscarriage}. Which I have copied and pasted below because I feel these words resounded in me and helped me.
It was a happy normal day.
I had been contracting all weekend.
The ladies at bible study were giving me tips on how to jumpstart labor.
Funny tips.
I had my last OB appointment that afternoon.
The clothes were washed.
The room was painted.
The crib was built.
The suitcase was packed.
The carseat was safely buckled in the back of our car.
We were ready.
But in fact, we were far from ready.
Not ready in any sense of the word.
Not ready to hear the words “there is no heartbeat.”
Not ready for the dark and scary road that suddenly was in front of us.
The road we were forced to suddenly walk.
A road where babies die.
Where arms are empty.
Where planning a memorial and choosing a casket are part of the journey.
Two days later I gave birth to our 6lb. 8oz. daughter
Joy Emma.
Our daughter that we would never see take her first steps.
Graduate from high school.
Get married.
Have children of her own.
Everything we planned, everything we knew, changed that day.
We were parents without a child.
Grieving for a future that we would not see.
Dreams that would not come true.
Our hearts broke that day.
We became different people.
What we did not realize is that we became better people.
Stronger people.
People who have more strength than we ever imagined.
Love more fully.
Care deeply.
Live passionately.
Serve thankfully.
Give generously.
Long for heaven like nothing else.
That day I never would have imagined the legacy that Joy’s short life would leave.
The people who have been changed and encouraged.
The mother that I am now is an entirely different one than I would have been without Joy.
Every day is a gift.
Every moment is precious.
I am abundantly blessed.
With my three sweet girls here on earth and with my sweet girl in heaven.
My daughter that I will see again.
Hold again.
I realize now that the months of mourning and grieving are just the dark brushstrokes on the beautiful, wonderful painting that is my life.
The painting that is still so much a mystery, but a wonderful masterpiece that will all make perfect sense when it is completed.
I simply cannot wait for that day.
* * * *
This series is not just a litany of stories.
My goal is that it helps heal. Encourage. Glorify.
In conjunction with this series, we are also supporting one another in love by fundraising for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.
If you would like to read more on this please visit : http://liferearranged.com/category/infant-lossmiscarriage/
I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up to more tears. I drove to work crying. But I keep telling myself that God wouldn't show me this pain if the human body, mind and soul weren't so resilent. I know that the human mind, soul and body are because I have made it thru so much already in my short time here on earth. So I trust that GOD is leading me to woman that will help guide me thru this pain, he is guiding me to him for comfort and providing me with friends that will be generous even if just causes me pain. Because pain is part of the grieving game and one day I won't feel it as bad. Yet I will never totally heal from this. There will always be a scar on my heart.
I'm sorry for the lenghty post.. but I needed to get the words out. I needed to say how I felt. So if you read to this part I thank you for reading and supporting me in my healing. May I complete this marathon in life with God, family, friends and faith by my side.
Monday
Go Ahead and Pass your Judgement Now..
Jenny Lind Crib
Our Antique Dresser to be finished as the one below (without the glass knobs)
So you are probably looking at this thinking.. hmm did I miss an announcement?? No you haven't. But since I am more comfortable talking about the joys and pains of my life, I felt this is a safe place for me to share. In October of this past year I lost a child. I was almost thru the first trimester and clearing into the second and I lost the baby. We weren't trying to get pregnant, we actually had plans to wait. I wanted to finish my Masters in Education and get thru my first year of teaching. Nate and I also wanted to travel more..save more.. enjoy life prior to kids. But even with out a planned pregnancy it didn't hurt any less when I lost that baby.
That day they told me I had misscarried it all changed in a blink of an eye. My heart hurt in ways I wasn't sure it had ever hurt before. My mind and heart started playing war against each other. Placing blame on myself and just wallowing in the loss I had just lost. I had a hard time seeing other babies, seeing pregnant women.. it was hard for a long time. I am happy to say I am much better now than a couple months ago.
So Nate and I soon decided after the loss, I would not take precautions anymore such as birth control and we would leave it in God's plan. Jump ahead 2 months to Christmas. I was majorly late (think 2 weeks late) and we started to think (get excited) that I might be pregnant again. But God had other plans and I am trusting in his plans that he knows when we will be blessed by a baby (whether it be naturally or adopted). I know God knows that I would love to be a mother and that he has plans for our family.
But accepting God's plan isn't as easy for me as it is for some. I had this huge loss and than each month I'd get my hopes up thinking maybe I am expecting, to be told by my body I am wrong again. So not everyday am I focused on it but there are little reminders all that time that dig at my heart, dig at that pain of my loss each time. I know if you have lost a baby you know exactly what I am referring to.
Nate & I have been slowly preparing our house for a baby. One because it is time consuming, but two because it involves planning and money. Due to the fact that we are both teachers that means our budget allows for big purchases to be spread out and planned for because it is not in our bank accounts to purchase it all at once. We are really trying to not put things on credit cards and pay off all debts before baby too. So we have planned and planned. I love planning..lol. Spring Break is right around the corner so we are cleaning the garage in preparation for the book shelves to come out of the 3rd bedroom. We plan on moving the kitties boxes and food out of the 3rd bedroom to the garage too. We are also planning on painting it since it is the only room in the house that hasn't seen paint yet. It will also be upgraded to a new fan/light fixture because fans are a must in Texas. As I said planning is my best friend. Nate & I have talked of all the changes that need to be made, alot of em involve things I couldn't do once I am expecting (paint, cat boxes, lifting), so we see it fit to be done over Spring Break when I can help. That way it isn't so many projects to be done once we are and relying just on Nate to do em.
Even with all those changes being made I sometimes feel like a baby won't happen. Though deep in my heart I know God has a plan, I feel as if I am not in control. If you didn't already know this about me I am kinda a control freak. With Nate around I can say truthfully this bad habit has calmed down a bit- but I am still a control freak. Guess what I am saying is we have to plan for a baby for $ reasons but I also wanted to feel as if I am in control.
The process for planning for a baby started when I lost the baby. I thank decided I was going to pro baby and get our lives in order for one. Slowly Nate & I have been doing this. I get free books online thru Scholastic and I have started collecting them for the baby. Kind of like a hope chest. My gf did a hope chest full of baby items for her little one. So I felt saving books is educational but also helps me realize that one day I will have a little one. Than it moved on to budgeting for furniture for the baby's room.
I love Jenny Lind Cribs and since we chose the antique dresser I felt it would be a perfect tribute to the room and to Nate & I. Jenny Lind Cribs were big time popular when we were little. I had one as a baby but in walnut color. So I have sat and drouled over Jenny Lind cribs in nurseries all over blog land. Check our Holly Mathis Interiors to see a beautiful baby boy nursery. Her website is http://www.hollymathisinteriors.com/.
I started looking online and couldn't find one that was in our budget. I thought about waiting to purchase one used but with all the recalls I decided I would purchase one new and be safe. If we were going to have to go thru lossing a baby and trying for another I wanted to make smart choices in what we chose for our future child..especially for safety of things.
Well I ran across Jenny Lind Line at Land of Nod. You can find this beautiful Jenny Lind inspired crib here: http://www.landofnod.com/cribs/baby/time-to-turn-in-crib/f7006 . But with the hefty $600 price tag and it doesn't convert I couldn't rationalize spending that much on a crib to be used for a year. Plus it has a ton of feminine details and we aren't sure we are having a girl so I wanted it to be a girl or boys crib. Back to the drawing board to find an original inspired Jenny Lind Crib. I searched tons of websites- some had them with drop downs- NOPE, some had em not in our price range and some had them but were out of stock.
Finally, I found one! This weekend it was 25% off and there was free shipping. I recieved the email between Friday and Saturday morning. DONE!! I couldn't resist free shipping and a sale. Plus with the sale and shipping the crib was now under 200 bucks (which means it is definately in budget)!! Hello the sale gods were telling me to order it. On top of all that goodness it is a 3in1 crib so converts to toodler and day bed. Horray!!
At first I thought kinda crazy to buy a crib before I am even preggo. But than I thought about people who have saved their own cribs for their future kids (wish my mom had my crib still), people who start buying stuff before hand, or getting stuff passed down from others and I felt it was justified right? In the end I don't feel guilty. We already have a closet full of baby items from friends just waiting for our baby. How is it any different than a crib. I feel like I am making a responsible planned descion towards our family's lives togeather. Especially since it was in our budget and I paid with cash!
I ordered the crib knowing it was in budget but that Nate was going to say your crazy! So I told him after I ordered it that I ordered the crib. It was on sale with free shipping. Suprisingly he was like 'oh great we'll be ready for a baby!' I was shocked. I think after recieveing all the baby items from friends he is really ready too now that it is more of a reality with baby items in the house and not just in our imagination. He did mention that planning the bedding, paint, rug, curtains will be do much fun for me he is worried I might obsess a little once we know we are preggo and what it is..lol. Which he is right. I will prolly sit and plan our nursery for hours once I know we are preggo and what we are having. He knows me so well.
The crib is on back order now because I guess it is such a classic popular crib. I won't be expecting it at the house till May. Hopefully in May I will recieve the crib and be able to announce that there is a baby soon to sleep in it. Like my Mom says she is just as excited too but we have to Trust God and Pray.
Like the title reads- Go Ahead, Pass your Judgement Now.. I am okay with you judging me for preparing a nursery before I have the baby..I've been judged for worse things. Like I said my heart is ready and I know God knows when the time will be right.. until than we'll wait with our beautiful crib :). So judge away- life has given me plenty of lemons already and I am choosing to make awesome pink lemonade with em. Happy Monday to all!
Friday
Changes for a good cause
Natural Nails
Brunette
You are probably looking at the photos above and wondering why?? Well since I was 16 years old I have had solar nails (fake) and I loved em. I loved going to the salon. I loved getting pampered and I loved that they always looked nice. Also since I was a freshman in highschool I have been coloring my hair.. I am not really sure what my natural hair color would be today. I was born strawberry blonde and it turned to a sandy blonde in my teens but than I started coloring it.
Well recently Nate and I decided we were going to start trying for a baby. So I got some advice from Nate's sister, my ob and other friends. The verdict was no more fake nails and no more hair coloring. These things were advised not a have obviously. But with having a misscarriage once already I didn't want to risk anything. I felt like if I lost a baby again I might play the what if game again.. So I felt better safe than sorry.
On Valentine's Day I divorced my fake nails. I loved them but they had to go for the love of something larger than them.. a baby! I spent two hours at the salon soaking them off and getting my paper thin nails painted. The first day was miserable for my fingers. Everything that touched the tips or my nails hurt because they were so sensitive- you have to remember they have been covered up by fake nails for like 12 years now. But I am adjusting and I am hoping the prenatal pill will not only help them grow faster (which they already are) but stronger too.
Than two days later I went to see my stylist Diana. I told her what was going on. She took me from a sandy light blonde to BRUNETTE. She did do a little bit of blonde highlights which I might keep up once I am preggo. Not sure yet. The brown was a little dramatic for me.. but it is growing on me. My hair doesn't hold color well so I know after a couple washes it will lighten up. Which in it's light brown form it will prolly be closer to my hair color. Nate really likes all the change- he said he got a new wife...lol. I have always been blonde in our relationship. But my students didn't like the change as much.. they were in shock! These were big changes for me too.. not just my kids. I think I am adjusting well but I will miss my summer blonde locks and perfect southern french manicure nails.. guess after the baby is born I can always go right back.
PS why do I still have a double chin in every picture.. UGH! Also I am picking up the double long dresser tonight and the bed for the guest room!! Tomorrow I am picking up paint for the 1/2 bath downstairs (from green to rain blue) and paint for the dressers!! Wohoo DIY weekend.
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