The new normal.. if there is such a thing..

I slept in today.. first since this all happened..I'm typically a sleeper. I like to sleep- but since the miscarriage I can't sleep- can't turn off the noise in my head. Even if I am physically and mentally exhasted I toss and turn.. It is isn't like I keep thinking about just one thing it's a million things over and over again in my head. When I woke up Nate was at the gym again.. he doesn't like leaving me at home (which makes me feel cared for but yet babysat for at the same time), he thought I was still asleep and the gym plus golf are his outlets.. I was asleep still until the front door closed and than the Energy truck stopped infront of our house..I was asleep- not aware of what really just happened in our lifes.. life was still okay because I was asleep. Than I woke up.

I woke up foggy.. like I had a hangover.. yet I haven't drank for quite some time. I just lounged around the house.. a girlfriend from work called. I know she was trying to console me but she just said things- things that hurt when you are trying so hard to heal. Than she tried to talk work with me- stressing over stuff that is so minimal in the scheme of life that I could careless. I could care less where my classroom is for next year.. I don't care. Because where my classroom is isn't a life changing event I can stress over right now. I'm just trying to swallow this pill right now.

She mentioned that I needed to just remember we could try again and that I need to relax, because stress just makes it worse. It's a huge wives tale that stress impacts pregnancy and can cause miscarriage.. and on the flipside I have no problem conceiving.. we've gotten pregnant twice. We can't seem to carry to term- so how the hell is relaxing going to help me. I was relaxed- I got pregnant and  I was estactic. I wanted my baby- so no I don't want to try again right now and no relaxing isn't gonna help me right now.. but thanks for your advice on my fertility.. because that is what I wanted.. I wanted every person on this earth to chime in on how I can get pregnant and what I can do to carry to term.. or how they know this doctor or this person who had the same thing happen to them.. That's great.. but I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT!!

Someone needs to write a book about what to say to your friends when they are grieving a loss and dealing with issues sensitive like infertility. I wouldn't say to a mother who lost her child- oh well if you relax you can have another one to replace the one that just died.. that is totally inconsiderate so why would someone say that to me who just lost a baby..

I am in shock of the things people tell me.. go eat and rest you will feel better.. really because when I am done eating and resting I will still wake up to no baby.. that makes me feel better right. Or how about God didn't want you to be parents right now.. are you kidding me? The worst is well have you considered your options.. umm hello I just had my second miscarriage and you are asking me what I am going to do.. can I make it thru today?

That is what my focus is.. today. I am not worring about the big stuff.. the little stuff anything. Nate really has ran our house for the last week. I know we leave soon and well were not ready.. and I don't care. I don't care that there is mail all over the dining room table, that the laundry is continuous and is dumped on our kitchen table. I don't care that the floors are dirty and everything is dusty. I don't care that the AC air filter has sat on the stairs for a week now.. I just don't care.. because my focus is to be ok- physically mentally to be ok. To get out of bed, to shower, to eat and to just be alive right now..everything else well that is just additional.. I'll hopefully get to that.

Kourtney took me to the mall yesterday as a distraction. It was a good time.. but I typically enjoy spending money..shopping.. and well it wasn't the same. Today Nate and I went to the book store..bought some great reads for the trip and than to Jamba Juice for a smoothie.. he even stopped in HomeGoods which he hates..but I didn't even go thru the whole store..decorating is just blah to me right now. I have been trying to distract my self with my projects for the house this summer.. I think I'm gonna try and start when we return home from the cruise. Maybe it will help me..or maybe this is me trying to avoid the hurt again. Not sure... 

Last 48 Hours

The last 48 hours just keep replaying in my head. It's like life every where else keeps moving on. People keep doing what they do- but I can't. I feel nausea when I eat. I try to sleep and I toss and turn. My body feels foreign right now..it aches in ways I don't recall the first time. But maybe that is because I block it all out.. I try to distract myself and my mind takes me back to the moments where I felt so alone even though I have my family with me..

How could this happen? How could I lose another pregnancy? I am a deep thinker so I don't understand why it is that this happened. I try to pick apart all of it- but there is no answers- no solution to the puzzle. I have these moments of total calmness where I speak to the Lord..but I have my moments where I cry and I just can't stop. I cry when I wake up and realize this happened and I won't have my baby.. I cry when I go to sleep because this is my life right now again. I should have been ready for this- it has happened to me before.. but I wasn't I wasn't ready for all the joy in my life to be riped out!

If you would have asked me three years ago where I would be today- I doubt that I would have said Married, Teaching and having two failed pregnancy. I doubt I would have thought I would take this road. I know- I know it isn't my road to decide.. It's Gods. What I am saying is that over all I am a good person, a fun loving person who just wanted a cookie cutter boring life... not one filled with chaos. I'll take boring life right now.. I seek it. I didn't fathom this would be where I am today.. I didn't think I would be the one who struggled with having children, carrying to term. I thought miscarriage and infertility were terms that other woman had issues with not me.. and why is that these things are such hush hush things. Why is so wrong for woman to talk about it. I want to talk about it. I need to talk about.. so if you can't listen please excuse yourself now.

This all probably sounds like a pity party.. and in some sorts it is. I am grieving.. I am angry, sad, confused.. I am a mess of emotions.  I know I am blessed with a great marriage, a wonderful home, beautiful and supportive friends and family. But right now I wanted that baby.. not to try again.. I just wanted  that baby.

I am angry- angry that this happened. Angry the nurse gave me false hope, angry the ultrasound tech wouldn't let me see the results, angry for my mom and Nate assuring me that it was ok,  angry with the Dr. for telling me that is the fun of getting pregnant- trying and we could try try try. Why did the Er dr have to be so heartless.. I don't want to try.. I want my baby..this baby..

It's like a movie replaying in time and I am watching in disbelief..not my life.. not me. Yet people keep telling me go on your anniversary trip and have a great time.. are you kidding me..

This was suppose to be our last big vacation before kids.. now I don't have a baby. Now I don't know when I will have a baby..and you want me to enjoy vacation??? I want to shell up in my bed and not come out how is that going to be enjoying vacation.  My life has been changed once again.. these things will forever be indented in my heart.

My mom cut off my hospital and doctor tags on my arm yesterday- I didn't want to take them off yet. I wanted them on to remind me that this happened- this is real.. you lost your baby. I panicked when she insisted she cut them off.. I couldn't explain to her why.. she doesn't understand either. I insisted she not cut them or throw them away. I know I am weird to keep them but I want something to remind me of what I had.. I went into that hospital with a baby and came out with nothing..
THIS is my new normal..trying to understand that I was pregnant and once again I am not. Trying to seek calmness in this storm... trying to have faith in wonderful things again..trying that is my new normal trying to be normal again.

Best & Worst Day of My Life..

 Some might think this isn't appropriate for me to speak so soon on such an intimate thing in my personal life, but blogging is like journaling to me..therapeutic. I need to get these emotions out and I'm sorry if I offend anyone.. but they are my emotions in which you can't rationalize or judge me for. Everyone mourns on their own. On that note let me start our story..

June 20th I tested for being pregnant. Nate and I have been trying  for a bit and this was the first month to use an ovulation kit to document my ovulation and I just had a feeling I was pregnant. I took the test and got this little result:

I didn't believe I was pregnant, yet I was so excited that I showed Nate and made him go and get 4 more tests. I proceeded over the next week to take.. all Positive. I felt so blessed. I finally had given up my worry about having a family to God and he blessed us with a baby! I trusted him to know our future and he gave us this beautiful opportunity to be parents.  We told our moms and our sisters. Julie (my sis in law) has been my preggo counselor in getting pregnant and being pregnant. She has been  a great shoulder! My mom was so excited she cried.. everyone was ready for this bundle of joy to bless us! We were exploding with joy.

Fast forward six days.. I wake up and schedule a manicure/pedicure with my two close gfs Kristin & Kourtney. I had light spotting which is normal for two days and was told to rest and hydrate. I took it seriously and did as told. But as I get out of bed on Sunday  and go to the rest room I have a surge of blood (TMI..sorry). I called the girls and canceled and immediately called my doctor. The doctor said that bleeding is typical in pregnancy but must solve itself since there is no treatment for it. I was to be on bed rest and hydrate. I lay in bed all day- Nate waits on me hand and foot (great husband). Than around 6pm I pass a huge clot which I was instructed to go to the nearest ER immediately. We go to North Cypress Hospital immediately- they process me fast. Get me to a bed, draw blood, urine and do an ultrasound and than we wait in not a room but a curtained area where everyone can hear us and us them for 4 long hours. I'm a mess- having moments of calmness mixed with crying because I know what is happening. The doctor comes in three times thinking while crying I am in pain, in which I explain that  I am upset. Than 5 hours later the doctor comes in with my results and tells me I was not pregnant and the four tests were false positives. He was insensitive and blunt. I tried to ask questions in which he didn't answer. He prescribed me iron for my anemia and antibiotics for a UTI and discharged me. But, before we left the nurse said you may still be pregnant you levels are low but it might just be too early for the baby to be seen (insert false hope here). I am emotionally drained and cry in the bathroom because I am shaken.. confused and angry.  My mom helps dress me and we go home. I was instructed to follow up with my OB the next day.

I proceed to the OB today. It was a emotional night and morning. I knew this morning as shower I lost the baby- my body is showing all the signs again. I break down and ball for hours.. cry so much I am numb now and have no tears to cry any longer. My Ob is very sensitive and explains that indeed I was pregnant and had a early miscarriage.  I'm devestated.. that glimmer of hope is lost. She tells me it common and that we can try again in August, yet to give my body time to heal again. To enjoy our vacation and take it easy.

Two of my babies are waiting to meet me in heaven today. Some might feel it is ridiculous for me to mourn a baby that was 5 weeks old but I was already attached. I thought there was no way god would entrust me with another pregnancy to lose it again.  I laid in bed yesterday and prayed- I prayed so hard. I told God I trusted him and I knew he knew my child before I would and that I knew he would take care of me and the baby. I asked for him to calm me so that I could not worry.. and I know in my darkest moments he was there.. but I am at such a loss for why this has happened again.

I feel stupid for having hope that this baby would make it.. but I am human and wanted that child so dearly. I know I will be a parent. I know that I will meet my beautiful children on earth and eventually in heaven.

I want so dearly to try again but I am not sure I can endure another loss again. In trying for this child I didn't take into account that I would lose this baby. I thought only of the positive outcome of a baby.. I am not giving up.. I am just taking a break to heal and let this all sink in.. but it is overwhelming. My mom sat and told me as she held me in the hospital and again in my bed,  that I love life so vividly that I cherished this baby from day 1 and that is what God wants us to do.. not live in the fear of the devil. I want to relish the beautiful in life and not settle on the ugly. I want to have my life as a painting only be spotted with dark moments, yet is so hard to move from these dark moments when you are in them.

I appreciate all my friends and family who have shown support.. but please do not tell me that "god has a plan", "something was wrong with this child and you wouldn't want it to suffer", "its natures way of natural selection".. or your friends story of infertility. I can't take that right now.. I appreciate positive thoughts and prayers over Nate and I.. please understand that I just need to process this loss of another baby. Alot of people don't feel it is appropriate to mourn the loss of a miscarriage or speak of it. I feel that I need to acknowledge this loss so I have written a letter to my child..

Eulogy to my child:
Baby E went to heaven to be with God on  June 26, 2011
Expected Birth date would have been March 1, 2011

My little peanut, in the short time I knew you I loved you so. We were so excited that God had entrusted us to be your parents. We cherished all the signs of pregnancy from the tiredness to car sickness on the way home from Illinois. I know that God knows you and his hand formed you, it is also his hand who chose your time to come to him. I trust that it is a better place than where you were and I am gratefully for that. But I so wish we could have meet you, I wish we could have seen you grow and that we could have cherished you for a day, months, years longer than what we had with you. I will meet you soon enough.. with all my love.  

 God loves you...He chose you to be His own. I Thessalonians 1:4 NLT

Thank you for allowing my personal thoughts. I appreciate all the kind words, positive thoughts and prayers.

Do it for me.. if not for me the other mothers out there..

I am sure you are tired of reading about my sadness over my loss of my baby. So I won't make you  read about it again..
Instead I ask that you read the words presented by Beth Fletcher on Life Rearranged and the woman she has guest write. Each week she presents a new woman's view on her own miscarriage or infant mortality. This website has provided me with hope and I know it continues to help other woman with the similar experiences. So please go and read Life Rearranged and help the foundation 'Lay me down to sleep'. I am not asking you to donate a ton of money.. if each of us donates a dollar than we are helping more than we know! So if you won't do it for me, do it for yourself or other mothers you know who have lost their child. I greatly appreciate it.

http://liferearranged.com/2011/03/presence-beth-fletcher-infant-lossmiscarriage/

Her words really are lovely:
The words that these women have shared are so beautiful.
And I love how there is always hope. There is always beauty. In the ugly.

Because God designs it that way.

It doesn’t always make sense. It doesn’t always seem fair.

But being changed for the better is so often the result, no?



We see the world through a different, more beautifully breathtaking lens.




In conjunction with this infant loss/miscarriage series, we are running a fundraiser benefitting the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.




Sometimes it is hard to find the beauty in the ugly.. but I can say that I hope one day I may say that I have been changed for the better.

You are My Sunshine

When I was a little girl my mom always woke us up singing "You are my Sunshine" or "Rise and Shine & Give God the Glory". It was tradition in our house. As I got older (teen) my mom still did it and I would tell her to shh mom. I mean as a teen you can't pretend to think your mom waking you up the same way as she did when you are little was cool. Sometimes though because I secretly liked it my mom would wake me up first and than we would go and sing to my sisters.  But as much as I pretended to hate it, it was comforting to have my mom wake me with lovely words each day.

I sometimes miss hearing someone sing to me each morning. So in the mornings I listen to Pandora Radio - Jack Johnson's Radio Station while I get ready. It plays alot of Children Songs and slow hawaiian based music (very relaxing). This morning I woke up to You are my sunshine playing on Pandora. I know it was just coincendence that it came on this morning. But it was like God was telling me "here is your comfort..I am here". Even as a grown woman I need comforting still. I cry and my mom still crys with me. She lives about 40 mins away and is a Director at a Hospital.. so she is busy.. so she doesn't come and hold me like she would when I was little. But sometimes when you are hurting you wish your mom would hold you.

This morning when You are my Sunshine came on, it first reminded me that God has a plan. He has a plan and he is with me. It than reminded me of my mom; all those days she sang those familiar words to me. Than I started listening to the lyrics and it reminded me that this song was almost wrote just for me. It sings about how please don't take my sunshine away and how I lay dreaming of holding you but I awoke to relize you aren't there and hung my head and cried.

See after the miscarriage my sunshine was taken away and there have been many nights and days I sit dreaming about what my baby would have looked like- Me or Nate or a great combination of us. What my baby would feel like to hold. What my child would have become if I would have been able to have him/her and raise him/her.  I have hung my head and cried.. so I feel like this song as beautiful as it is held bigger meaning now than it ever has.

Last night I talked with Nate about my feelings currently. I am going thru so many emotions about the miscarriage still. But on top of all that I am late. I am not really late yet so I don't want to get my hopes up again.. so I told him. He is like well lets go take a test. As much as I want a child, those pregnancy test scare me more now than before. Because what if I am and than I loss  another pregnancy.. and if I am not it is the disheartening feelings that I had a little glimmer of being pregnant again.

Nate is so sure we will get pregnant again, he is so sure that we will have a baby and have a family. I love that he is so positive and sure of it. But sometimes I question how can you be so certain. I am going thru all these rollercoaster emotions and he's so positive it will be ok. It's funny because when we go thru crisis it always flip flops on who is the one that is certain in their faith and sure that things will be ok. Many times it has been me telling him I am sure it will be ok. But in this instance I have questioned everything and Nate has always been sure. Thank God I have him. He assured me last night that God wasn't punishing me and he knew I would be a mom. It's funny because he says one of the reason he chose me as a wife is because he always knew I would be a great mom. I think that is funny.. because I never considered his potential till I was pregnant. I know he will be aweseome but it never occured to me. He told me about how he used to watch me with his neices and nephews or when I was working as a nanny. He said he knew than that I would be awesome. It touched my heart to hear him say it.

Below I posted the words to You are my Sunshine. I know almost everyone knows the words but really read them. The words resounded in me this morning and I hope my sunshine is in Heaven with my Grandma & Grandpa being loved right now by them and all the beautiful angels with them. I pray that I will meet my sunshine someday. But until then I will accept these dark moments as the dark spots of the painting of my life just like Julie said and wait for the beautiful light colorful moments to take over all those dark spots.

You Are My Sunshine



My only sunshine.


You make me happy


When skies are grey.


You'll never know, dear,


How much I love you.


Please don't take my sunshine away






The other nite, dear,


As I lay sleeping


I dreamed I held you in my arms.


When I awoke, dear,


I was mistaken


And I hung my head and cried.






You are my sunshine,


My only sunshine.


You make me happy


When skies are grey.


You'll never know, dear,


How much I love you.


Please don't take my sunshine away.






I'll always love you


And make you happy


If you will only stay the same


But if you leave me


To love another


You'll regret it all some day;






You are my sunshine,


My only sunshine.


You make me happy


When skies are grey.


You'll never know, dear,


How much I love you.


Please don't take my sunshine away.






You told me once, dear


You really loved me


And no one else could come between


But now you've left me


And love another


You have shattered all my dreams;






You are my sunshine,


My only sunshine.


You make me happy


When skies are grey.


You'll never know, dear,


How much I love you.


Please don't take my sunshine away.

Would you prefer the truth or a white lie?

I say would you prefer the truth or a white lie, because when someone asks "How are you doing"  you often say fine or great.. even if in reality your heart is breaking inside and you are holding back the tears. See my reality is that I often appear fine and I try to convience myself that I am fine. Yet, inside I am still hurting. I busy myself with projects around the house, studying for my masters program and teaching before I let myself admit my feelings. I had months that went by that I wanted to cave up in bed and just cry. After those months I refused to let myself feel sorry and just stayed busy. I guess what I am saying is because I say I am ok doesn't really mean I am ok. It is a white lie to you and a white lie to me also.. because if I say it enough maybe I will convience myself of it.

I thought I was over the hurdle of being hurt, anger and upset about my loss of my child. I thought that the tears would stop and I could just mourn that I lost my child. That was until last night. We are blessed by the Lord with friends that are so spectacular that they are like family. They take care of us when we are hurting, they laugh with us when we are happy and they cheer us on when it comes to achieving our dreams. What better friends could you ask for right? Well those great friends are so incredibly generous that they have passed down major items you would need for the first year of a baby's life. Recently they gifted us with a bouncer, swing, boopy pillow and a couple other items. I thought it was awesome and I was so appreciative of their generousity.

Than last night Nate came home with more baby items in the car from our wonderful friends. I lost it. I don't know what triggered these emotions really but I started crying and couldn't stop. I started thinking about the misscarriage how my emotions have changed so much over the past months but it doesn't hurt any less. I than realized that if I hadn't had my misscarriage I would be holding a baby soon. I would be giving birth any day now and I would have a baby.  I would be holding and loving on my child.. but God had other plans. I have so many people tell me just know God had plans for your family and that the Baby needed to be with God. I understand that it makes you feel better to tell me my baby needed to be with God. But I think that is a load of crap for you to say to me unless you have lost your child.  Unless you have been where I have been and went thru the pain physically and mentally don't give me this God has your child bs.

Please understand that I trust God and I know he has a plan. And I truely believe my child is in heaven and one day I will meet him or her and hold them.  But for someone to tell me these things when they haven't been there is hurtful and doesn't lessen the pain for me. It angers me. It angers me when someone says this to me and they have a family or a beautiful baby and have never lost a child. How can you tell me this when you haven't even been there and you have exactly what I wish for so bad.

So please understand that deep down I am hurting. I am hurting and I don't need to hear from you to trust my faith and that God has a plan. Because in my lifetime God has made me fear him, hate him and love him and I know that there is a God. I know that he has a plan but it isn't for you to tell me so you feel better about my loss.

I write all this and it may feel like these are harsh words. But it seems that women that have never felt loss like to use these nice words to me and it truely is a stab at my heart. Yet at the same time I have meet wonderful women in real life and in blog land that have had infant mortality and miscarriage. It is comforting for me to hear other womans stories that have survived and have seen the darkness I have been to but now are in the light. This is comforting because they aren't speaking words just to make me feel better. They are speaking words because they know the pain and they know how it feels.

Last night I found the beautiful blog called Life Rearranged. She is doing a whole section of posts on infant mortality and miscarriage. It is true sadness but she is doing it to make people aware and raise money and in a sense help woman like me who are still in a bad place.

I read her post from : A Different Kind of Mother – Julie Carson {infant loss/miscarriage}. Which I have copied and pasted below because I feel these words resounded in me and helped me.




It was a happy normal day.







I had been contracting all weekend.






The ladies at bible study were giving me tips on how to jumpstart labor.






Funny tips.






I had my last OB appointment that afternoon.






The clothes were washed.






The room was painted.






The crib was built.






The suitcase was packed.






The carseat was safely buckled in the back of our car.






We were ready.






But in fact, we were far from ready.






Not ready in any sense of the word.






Not ready to hear the words “there is no heartbeat.”






Not ready for the dark and scary road that suddenly was in front of us.






The road we were forced to suddenly walk.






A road where babies die.






Where arms are empty.






Where planning a memorial and choosing a casket are part of the journey.






Two days later I gave birth to our 6lb. 8oz. daughter






Joy Emma.






Our daughter that we would never see take her first steps.






Graduate from high school.






Get married.






Have children of her own.














Everything we planned, everything we knew, changed that day.






We were parents without a child.






Grieving for a future that we would not see.






Dreams that would not come true.






Our hearts broke that day.






We became different people.






What we did not realize is that we became better people.














Stronger people.






People who have more strength than we ever imagined.






Love more fully.






Care deeply.






Live passionately.






Serve thankfully.






Give generously.






Long for heaven like nothing else.






That day I never would have imagined the legacy that Joy’s short life would leave.






The people who have been changed and encouraged.






The mother that I am now is an entirely different one than I would have been without Joy.






Every day is a gift.






Every moment is precious.






I am abundantly blessed.






With my three sweet girls here on earth and with my sweet girl in heaven.






My daughter that I will see again.






Hold again.














I realize now that the months of mourning and grieving are just the dark brushstrokes on the beautiful, wonderful painting that is my life.






The painting that is still so much a mystery, but a wonderful masterpiece that will all make perfect sense when it is completed.






I simply cannot wait for that day.






* * * *






This series is not just a litany of stories.






My goal is that it helps heal. Encourage. Glorify.






In conjunction with this series, we are also supporting one another in love by fundraising for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.


If you would like to read more on this please visit : http://liferearranged.com/category/infant-lossmiscarriage/

I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up to more tears. I drove to work crying. But I keep telling myself that God wouldn't show me this pain if the human body, mind and soul weren't so resilent. I know that the human mind, soul and body are because I have made it thru so much already in my short time here on earth. So I trust that GOD is leading me to woman that will help guide me thru this pain, he is guiding me to him for comfort and providing me with friends that will be generous even if just causes me pain. Because pain is part of the grieving game and one day I won't feel it as bad. Yet I will never totally heal from this. There will always be a scar on my heart.

I'm sorry for the lenghty post.. but I needed to get the words out. I needed to say how I felt. So if you read to this part I thank you for reading and supporting me in my healing. May I complete this marathon in life with God, family, friends and faith by my side.