How could this happen? How could I lose another pregnancy? I am a deep thinker so I don't understand why it is that this happened. I try to pick apart all of it- but there is no answers- no solution to the puzzle. I have these moments of total calmness where I speak to the Lord..but I have my moments where I cry and I just can't stop. I cry when I wake up and realize this happened and I won't have my baby.. I cry when I go to sleep because this is my life right now again. I should have been ready for this- it has happened to me before.. but I wasn't I wasn't ready for all the joy in my life to be riped out!
If you would have asked me three years ago where I would be today- I doubt that I would have said Married, Teaching and having two failed pregnancy. I doubt I would have thought I would take this road. I know- I know it isn't my road to decide.. It's Gods. What I am saying is that over all I am a good person, a fun loving person who just wanted a cookie cutter boring life... not one filled with chaos. I'll take boring life right now.. I seek it. I didn't fathom this would be where I am today.. I didn't think I would be the one who struggled with having children, carrying to term. I thought miscarriage and infertility were terms that other woman had issues with not me.. and why is that these things are such hush hush things. Why is so wrong for woman to talk about it. I want to talk about it. I need to talk about.. so if you can't listen please excuse yourself now.
This all probably sounds like a pity party.. and in some sorts it is. I am grieving.. I am angry, sad, confused.. I am a mess of emotions. I know I am blessed with a great marriage, a wonderful home, beautiful and supportive friends and family. But right now I wanted that baby.. not to try again.. I just wanted that baby.
I am angry- angry that this happened. Angry the nurse gave me false hope, angry the ultrasound tech wouldn't let me see the results, angry for my mom and Nate assuring me that it was ok, angry with the Dr. for telling me that is the fun of getting pregnant- trying and we could try try try. Why did the Er dr have to be so heartless.. I don't want to try.. I want my baby..this baby..
It's like a movie replaying in time and I am watching in disbelief..not my life.. not me. Yet people keep telling me go on your anniversary trip and have a great time.. are you kidding me..
This was suppose to be our last big vacation before kids.. now I don't have a baby. Now I don't know when I will have a baby..and you want me to enjoy vacation??? I want to shell up in my bed and not come out how is that going to be enjoying vacation. My life has been changed once again.. these things will forever be indented in my heart.
My mom cut off my hospital and doctor tags on my arm yesterday- I didn't want to take them off yet. I wanted them on to remind me that this happened- this is real.. you lost your baby. I panicked when she insisted she cut them off.. I couldn't explain to her why.. she doesn't understand either. I insisted she not cut them or throw them away. I know I am weird to keep them but I want something to remind me of what I had.. I went into that hospital with a baby and came out with nothing..
THIS is my new normal..trying to understand that I was pregnant and once again I am not. Trying to seek calmness in this storm... trying to have faith in wonderful things again..trying that is my new normal trying to be normal again.
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