The new normal.. if there is such a thing..

I slept in today.. first since this all happened..I'm typically a sleeper. I like to sleep- but since the miscarriage I can't sleep- can't turn off the noise in my head. Even if I am physically and mentally exhasted I toss and turn.. It is isn't like I keep thinking about just one thing it's a million things over and over again in my head. When I woke up Nate was at the gym again.. he doesn't like leaving me at home (which makes me feel cared for but yet babysat for at the same time), he thought I was still asleep and the gym plus golf are his outlets.. I was asleep still until the front door closed and than the Energy truck stopped infront of our house..I was asleep- not aware of what really just happened in our lifes.. life was still okay because I was asleep. Than I woke up.

I woke up foggy.. like I had a hangover.. yet I haven't drank for quite some time. I just lounged around the house.. a girlfriend from work called. I know she was trying to console me but she just said things- things that hurt when you are trying so hard to heal. Than she tried to talk work with me- stressing over stuff that is so minimal in the scheme of life that I could careless. I could care less where my classroom is for next year.. I don't care. Because where my classroom is isn't a life changing event I can stress over right now. I'm just trying to swallow this pill right now.

She mentioned that I needed to just remember we could try again and that I need to relax, because stress just makes it worse. It's a huge wives tale that stress impacts pregnancy and can cause miscarriage.. and on the flipside I have no problem conceiving.. we've gotten pregnant twice. We can't seem to carry to term- so how the hell is relaxing going to help me. I was relaxed- I got pregnant and  I was estactic. I wanted my baby- so no I don't want to try again right now and no relaxing isn't gonna help me right now.. but thanks for your advice on my fertility.. because that is what I wanted.. I wanted every person on this earth to chime in on how I can get pregnant and what I can do to carry to term.. or how they know this doctor or this person who had the same thing happen to them.. That's great.. but I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT!!

Someone needs to write a book about what to say to your friends when they are grieving a loss and dealing with issues sensitive like infertility. I wouldn't say to a mother who lost her child- oh well if you relax you can have another one to replace the one that just died.. that is totally inconsiderate so why would someone say that to me who just lost a baby..

I am in shock of the things people tell me.. go eat and rest you will feel better.. really because when I am done eating and resting I will still wake up to no baby.. that makes me feel better right. Or how about God didn't want you to be parents right now.. are you kidding me? The worst is well have you considered your options.. umm hello I just had my second miscarriage and you are asking me what I am going to do.. can I make it thru today?

That is what my focus is.. today. I am not worring about the big stuff.. the little stuff anything. Nate really has ran our house for the last week. I know we leave soon and well were not ready.. and I don't care. I don't care that there is mail all over the dining room table, that the laundry is continuous and is dumped on our kitchen table. I don't care that the floors are dirty and everything is dusty. I don't care that the AC air filter has sat on the stairs for a week now.. I just don't care.. because my focus is to be ok- physically mentally to be ok. To get out of bed, to shower, to eat and to just be alive right now..everything else well that is just additional.. I'll hopefully get to that.

Kourtney took me to the mall yesterday as a distraction. It was a good time.. but I typically enjoy spending money..shopping.. and well it wasn't the same. Today Nate and I went to the book store..bought some great reads for the trip and than to Jamba Juice for a smoothie.. he even stopped in HomeGoods which he hates..but I didn't even go thru the whole store..decorating is just blah to me right now. I have been trying to distract my self with my projects for the house this summer.. I think I'm gonna try and start when we return home from the cruise. Maybe it will help me..or maybe this is me trying to avoid the hurt again. Not sure...