Time..

I remember as a child when my grandpa died.. it was the first death I could comprehend and it crushed me. I cried and I wasn't sure what to do with my emotions. My mom comforted me and she said the words her mother told her "With Time This Too Shall Pass", basically she was stating that this hurt will pass and you will be ok. I remember my first love and breaking up- thought the world was going to end.. the words were spoke again. I hated those words..
But I am learning what those words mean as an adult.. with time everything passes. One year ago today I was celebrating in Katy our At Home Reception with our families and friends..seems like an eternity ago. 

Our wedding and reception were a blimp on the radar in the scheme of life..We didn't even know what the next year held for us.. the ups and downs of life.
On month ago at this very time I was sitting in an emergency room hearing from a Doctor that I was never pregnant and that all the pregnancy tests were false negatives. I was hurting physically and mentally..a pain one can't comprehend unless they have been there. One month ago my OB confirmed I had lost our second child to an early miscarriage.
Now Today I sit here and it feels like the memories of the ER are so far away.. not a blimp yet but distant.. yet the loss is still there. It will always be on our hearts. Whether you have a child living or not once you are pregnant you instantly become a mother and attached to that child.

Today I sit here knowing that my body is healing.. preparing for it's future journey- whether that be a child or not and I am hopeful. Hopeful much like I was on my wedding night on our journey of life together. Hopeful that the future holds beautiful things for us. Hopeful that Gods plan is one that we can endure.. because losing one pregnancy is hard, but losing two is damn right scary! Nate and I are both unsure if we can go thru another miscarriage (the emotional side is just so disheartening).. but we are hopeful.

Hopeful is the word .. hopeful our journey will be beautiful.. even if it means we have to endure the chaos to get to the sunshine...

So pray.. pray our journey ends in sunshine and beautiful things.. whether that be that we bear children or not.. I know God's plan is our plan..

It's amazing what a little time will do isn't it? This too shall pass.. in time..

Until than I'll be waiting..

Our House when we bought it & Now..

We bought our house in 2008, it was a foreclosure and needed a ton of work.. I am not sure I have ever shown the before pictures so I thought I would share.. I would love to post a page with before and after pics..wish I had taken more before pics now.. darn it..
Master Bedroom- Had carpet and wall paper on bottom. I took the wall paper down and primed here.. Nate and I layed the floors ourselves thru the house.

 Nate wearing my sunglasses as protective wear..

 Master Bath.. horrible shape
Pool getting emptied and look no landscaping at all. The pool was covered with those timbers and plastic yet still full.. it was a black lagoon and we didn't even know how deep it was till they emptied it and did the plaster and pool equipment!

 No paint in stairs and no hand rail..

Oh and love the yellow paint in the living area along with the UT orange wall paper in the rest of house and lack of all lighting ..don't forget the verticals which we lived with till last year!

Both guest rooms were that country yellow but I only have a pic of guest room #2

We bought the house and still had a lease so we took a month to stay in our lease and get this place in liveable mood..which meant to paint, lay flooring, add lighting, add back appliances, doors, toilets, handrailing..etc. We have come a long way! I can't believe all that we have been thru in our marriage but all that this house has been thru!!

Here is the house NOW

Entry way into formal living room, den and dining room..nates office is thru french doors.

Formal living room with pool table..

Guest Room #1

 

Guest Room #2

 

Dining Room

Guest Bath

Master Bath & Master Bedroom

Kitchen Eat In Area..

I have more pics to  add but I think that is enough for now.. if I could only figure out how to add a tab at the top to add a before or after..

What I have been doing.

 Well since the miscarriage.. I have been trying to keep busy. Busy helps me get on with life.. not that I don't hurt inside. I do.. but life goes on and everyone else forgets that you just lost a baby. You're the only one that really remembers what just happened.

We got back from our anniversary trip where Nate and I got awesome together and quiet time. But as soon as we got back on the grid we started getting emails, messages via fb and texts plus calls...people wanting to hang out and do stuff.. like I said Life Goes on and everyone else forgets (except you).  I have been selective on who I chose to confide my deepest thoughts in. Fortunately I have great girlfriends who have also been battling their own fertility issues this past year. It has been comforting to have them to listen to me and understand.


Upon getting home my HomeDepot knobs and handles were waiting. I ordered handles for the master bath to match my new glass knobs I found.The glass handles were only sold online and not in stores but I desperately needed them to complete the beautiful knobs I found for less than 3 bucks each for glass knobs!!

Here is the before.. just plain silver knobs nothing special.

And here is my great one of kind glass knobs that I found antiquing and my HomeDepot handles..

Here is a close up of the knobs

Aren't they just gorgeous???



And I wanted something fun for our guest bath that will eventually be used by our future kids and house guests (remember we have a 1/2 bath in the down stairs too..no one really uses the upstairs bath unless they are overniters) .. because it is spa/beach inspired I went with a silver seahorse.

Are those not fun.. I think of hardware on cabinets like jewelry- it doesn't have to be boring and classic and in the rules all the time. It should be fun and explain the room. I think the glass is very vintage and classic which is perfect for the master bath (and Nate prefers classic) but the sea horse handles are great for a relaxed guest bath also (and fun which I love). Hey they may not be to everyone's liking.. but I am not selling my house or am I looking for everyone's approval.. Life's short so why shouldn't your cabinet jewels be fun?!

On top of redoing the cabinet handles upstairs (which was under 25 bucks for all) I have been racking my brain on curtains for the 3rd bedroom. The third bedroom wasn't used really when we bought our house.. For three years it has held Nate's books for his business and the closet had the cat's liter boxes. Over Spring we moved the cat's liter boxes to the garage with the reminder of the books. Once the room was cleared out we put back the vintage dresser and rocker.. maybe eventually there will be a twin bed or crib. But until than I wanted to decorate the room to my liking. The bland blinds were just killing me.. it just felt so bare. I often go in there to escape the noise in the house to read, study and do my homework for my masters.  The walls are aqua now and the rocker has paisley with blue, brown, green and tan in it.. do you recall it?? Let me refresh your mind..

It looks a little different now because I added a little cabinet from home goods and moved in the PB look alike lamp. I'll post new pics after the curtains get in.

I wanted to get fabric for the drapes that wasn't so traditional since the dresser is vintage and the paisley is very traditional as well as the rocker. I started looking on etsy last night and found gorgeous chevron curtains.. but I didn't like any of the patterns and if the room will be a child's room eventually I wanted something that could transition as well as play off the pattern on the rocker. That is when I found these gorgeous Chevron Teal Drapes but they were $182.00 a panel. I than found the material on Rosen Berry Rooms with matching bedding- bedding is gorgeous but with floor to ceiling drapes I think it is a bit much for my taste and wallet. Of course for no sew drapes which I needed 10 yards I wasn't paying 34 bucks a yard. I than found the exact material on fabric.com and bought the remainder listed on the website for 8.98 a yard. I even scored free shipping. I should have plenty of fabric left over to make a couple of throw pillows. I need to make two panels for the window and I haven't decided on one or two panels for the opening in the closet.

I think the chevron incorporates the colors in the room already and it is so gender neutral. It can be incorporated into a nursery/child's room for a boy or girl and it is NOT just any chevron print that you see everywhere. I am so excited to get it and get started on my drapes.

Did you know about Annette Tatum.. I adore her Little House collection. I feel in love with her Crib Sheets for babies' rooms. Unfortunately I won't be ordering any soon.. But I found out my best friend Kourtney is 8 weeks pregnant and she is due the same week I would have been. I am thrilled for her because they have been trying for quite sometime.. but it breaks my heart that I miscarried and our babies would have been days apart.  On top of that my other bff Kristin is starting treatments to get preggo this month.. which means my closest gfs will both be preggo while I am still mourning my loss. 

I am super excited for both of them (really I am) since they also have had difficulties with having a child..and I know how much it pains the heart to want a baby and not have one. But at the same time, I am selfish and I can't help but think I would be due the same week as Kourtney and when she has her baby it will just remind me of my empty arms.. and now Kristin is most likely too.. which means even though we have no problem conceiving I can't seem to hold pregnancies and there is no guarantee this won't happen again. As much as I would love to be pregnant with my two best friends I have this feeling that even if I got pregnant soon I'd loss it again.. I know I am pessimistic.  I try to think about getting pregnant again and I think happy thoughts and than the bad thoughts of lossing another one creep into my head. I know the thoughts will always be there and Nate & I both agree we want to try again so I need to rid myself of negativity.. but it's hard.. it's hard when you have now lost two pregnancies.

In other news, Nate is on a golf trip this week so lots of home projects for me and studying for my big test next Wednesday!