Than after lunch, we had an ultrasound. We got to see Piper 3d. She sleeps just like me, one arm above her head and one arm right by her face so there is a partial face shot. She's darling. But unfortantely the super c was not behaving. My cervix is called a shortened and dynamic cervix so the part closest to the sac funnels. Last week and the week before the funneling which means it is opening and closing which shorten and elongates the cervix. This isn't normal! Not much there is the concern while it is doing this. Like I was saying, last week the funneling was minimal. This week the funneling is very very dramatic. It's opening a lot. Which they are contributing to contractions again. Opening a lot- no length... Frightening!
So five doctors came to read me the results. When five doctors come in it isn't positive news. Positive news comes form the resident or nurse (we've learned). They came in and explained instead of being on contraction meds PRN which is as needed I'm now taking it every 6 hrs they are hoping this will stop the chance of me laboring. But they can only control the contractions and not the cervix.. Super c has a mind of her own. In addition, when I was admitted I was given a two round shot of steroids for piper. They only give you a starting dose and than one more before birth as a rescue measure if needed. That's when you know it's bad.. They call the second final dose the rescue dose. I'm receiving the rescue dose now in hopes that Piper gets the benefit before she comes. They are predicting she comes any day now with my ffn test and the ultrasound.
Roller coaster.. Hell yeah. Have I wrapped my mind around what the heck is happening.. Um no. Do I feel strong today.. Let's just say I broke down and had my husband climb into my single hospital bed. Honestly, its mind blogging. She could make it and be perfectly healthy or she could have cerebral palsy. She could have severe neurological disorders.. She could not make it. This is a reality, a reality that comes with scary stats. I'm not saying this because I want comfort. I'm not saying it because I want sympathy..I'm not writing this to get a pep talk.. I'm saying it because its therapeutic to write. I'm saying it because I want to remember the day I prayed so feverishly for my child. I'm saying it because unless you've looked this dragon in the eye there isn't really anyone can say/do to comfort you..
In reality.. We will survive this. Somehow, in life even when I couldn't, I did. But I doesn't mean I'm chipper or happy. I'm just going along..
Praying that my sweet girl, Piper Makenzie sees many birthdays. Gets to go home to meet her fur brother Scout. That her daddy has to learn to blow-dry her hair and I get to see him hold her. That she gets to play with her aunts and grandma. That I get to count her toes and fingers and listen to her breath. My heart just yearns for it... The heart my child has only heard beat for so little time.
My dear child you have no idea how much I love you. Until we meet I hope you cook.. I won't be offended if you decide to stay a little longer. But, if you can't I hope you're a fighter, strong and brave for this journey we have ahead. I praise God for the days he has given me with you and I pray he will bless me with many more days, sweet baby.
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