The new normal.. if there is such a thing..

I slept in today.. first since this all happened..I'm typically a sleeper. I like to sleep- but since the miscarriage I can't sleep- can't turn off the noise in my head. Even if I am physically and mentally exhasted I toss and turn.. It is isn't like I keep thinking about just one thing it's a million things over and over again in my head. When I woke up Nate was at the gym again.. he doesn't like leaving me at home (which makes me feel cared for but yet babysat for at the same time), he thought I was still asleep and the gym plus golf are his outlets.. I was asleep still until the front door closed and than the Energy truck stopped infront of our house..I was asleep- not aware of what really just happened in our lifes.. life was still okay because I was asleep. Than I woke up.

I woke up foggy.. like I had a hangover.. yet I haven't drank for quite some time. I just lounged around the house.. a girlfriend from work called. I know she was trying to console me but she just said things- things that hurt when you are trying so hard to heal. Than she tried to talk work with me- stressing over stuff that is so minimal in the scheme of life that I could careless. I could care less where my classroom is for next year.. I don't care. Because where my classroom is isn't a life changing event I can stress over right now. I'm just trying to swallow this pill right now.

She mentioned that I needed to just remember we could try again and that I need to relax, because stress just makes it worse. It's a huge wives tale that stress impacts pregnancy and can cause miscarriage.. and on the flipside I have no problem conceiving.. we've gotten pregnant twice. We can't seem to carry to term- so how the hell is relaxing going to help me. I was relaxed- I got pregnant and  I was estactic. I wanted my baby- so no I don't want to try again right now and no relaxing isn't gonna help me right now.. but thanks for your advice on my fertility.. because that is what I wanted.. I wanted every person on this earth to chime in on how I can get pregnant and what I can do to carry to term.. or how they know this doctor or this person who had the same thing happen to them.. That's great.. but I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT!!

Someone needs to write a book about what to say to your friends when they are grieving a loss and dealing with issues sensitive like infertility. I wouldn't say to a mother who lost her child- oh well if you relax you can have another one to replace the one that just died.. that is totally inconsiderate so why would someone say that to me who just lost a baby..

I am in shock of the things people tell me.. go eat and rest you will feel better.. really because when I am done eating and resting I will still wake up to no baby.. that makes me feel better right. Or how about God didn't want you to be parents right now.. are you kidding me? The worst is well have you considered your options.. umm hello I just had my second miscarriage and you are asking me what I am going to do.. can I make it thru today?

That is what my focus is.. today. I am not worring about the big stuff.. the little stuff anything. Nate really has ran our house for the last week. I know we leave soon and well were not ready.. and I don't care. I don't care that there is mail all over the dining room table, that the laundry is continuous and is dumped on our kitchen table. I don't care that the floors are dirty and everything is dusty. I don't care that the AC air filter has sat on the stairs for a week now.. I just don't care.. because my focus is to be ok- physically mentally to be ok. To get out of bed, to shower, to eat and to just be alive right now..everything else well that is just additional.. I'll hopefully get to that.

Kourtney took me to the mall yesterday as a distraction. It was a good time.. but I typically enjoy spending money..shopping.. and well it wasn't the same. Today Nate and I went to the book store..bought some great reads for the trip and than to Jamba Juice for a smoothie.. he even stopped in HomeGoods which he hates..but I didn't even go thru the whole store..decorating is just blah to me right now. I have been trying to distract my self with my projects for the house this summer.. I think I'm gonna try and start when we return home from the cruise. Maybe it will help me..or maybe this is me trying to avoid the hurt again. Not sure... 

Last 48 Hours

The last 48 hours just keep replaying in my head. It's like life every where else keeps moving on. People keep doing what they do- but I can't. I feel nausea when I eat. I try to sleep and I toss and turn. My body feels foreign right now..it aches in ways I don't recall the first time. But maybe that is because I block it all out.. I try to distract myself and my mind takes me back to the moments where I felt so alone even though I have my family with me..

How could this happen? How could I lose another pregnancy? I am a deep thinker so I don't understand why it is that this happened. I try to pick apart all of it- but there is no answers- no solution to the puzzle. I have these moments of total calmness where I speak to the Lord..but I have my moments where I cry and I just can't stop. I cry when I wake up and realize this happened and I won't have my baby.. I cry when I go to sleep because this is my life right now again. I should have been ready for this- it has happened to me before.. but I wasn't I wasn't ready for all the joy in my life to be riped out!

If you would have asked me three years ago where I would be today- I doubt that I would have said Married, Teaching and having two failed pregnancy. I doubt I would have thought I would take this road. I know- I know it isn't my road to decide.. It's Gods. What I am saying is that over all I am a good person, a fun loving person who just wanted a cookie cutter boring life... not one filled with chaos. I'll take boring life right now.. I seek it. I didn't fathom this would be where I am today.. I didn't think I would be the one who struggled with having children, carrying to term. I thought miscarriage and infertility were terms that other woman had issues with not me.. and why is that these things are such hush hush things. Why is so wrong for woman to talk about it. I want to talk about it. I need to talk about.. so if you can't listen please excuse yourself now.

This all probably sounds like a pity party.. and in some sorts it is. I am grieving.. I am angry, sad, confused.. I am a mess of emotions.  I know I am blessed with a great marriage, a wonderful home, beautiful and supportive friends and family. But right now I wanted that baby.. not to try again.. I just wanted  that baby.

I am angry- angry that this happened. Angry the nurse gave me false hope, angry the ultrasound tech wouldn't let me see the results, angry for my mom and Nate assuring me that it was ok,  angry with the Dr. for telling me that is the fun of getting pregnant- trying and we could try try try. Why did the Er dr have to be so heartless.. I don't want to try.. I want my baby..this baby..

It's like a movie replaying in time and I am watching in disbelief..not my life.. not me. Yet people keep telling me go on your anniversary trip and have a great time.. are you kidding me..

This was suppose to be our last big vacation before kids.. now I don't have a baby. Now I don't know when I will have a baby..and you want me to enjoy vacation??? I want to shell up in my bed and not come out how is that going to be enjoying vacation.  My life has been changed once again.. these things will forever be indented in my heart.

My mom cut off my hospital and doctor tags on my arm yesterday- I didn't want to take them off yet. I wanted them on to remind me that this happened- this is real.. you lost your baby. I panicked when she insisted she cut them off.. I couldn't explain to her why.. she doesn't understand either. I insisted she not cut them or throw them away. I know I am weird to keep them but I want something to remind me of what I had.. I went into that hospital with a baby and came out with nothing..
THIS is my new normal..trying to understand that I was pregnant and once again I am not. Trying to seek calmness in this storm... trying to have faith in wonderful things again..trying that is my new normal trying to be normal again.

Best & Worst Day of My Life..

 Some might think this isn't appropriate for me to speak so soon on such an intimate thing in my personal life, but blogging is like journaling to me..therapeutic. I need to get these emotions out and I'm sorry if I offend anyone.. but they are my emotions in which you can't rationalize or judge me for. Everyone mourns on their own. On that note let me start our story..

June 20th I tested for being pregnant. Nate and I have been trying  for a bit and this was the first month to use an ovulation kit to document my ovulation and I just had a feeling I was pregnant. I took the test and got this little result:

I didn't believe I was pregnant, yet I was so excited that I showed Nate and made him go and get 4 more tests. I proceeded over the next week to take.. all Positive. I felt so blessed. I finally had given up my worry about having a family to God and he blessed us with a baby! I trusted him to know our future and he gave us this beautiful opportunity to be parents.  We told our moms and our sisters. Julie (my sis in law) has been my preggo counselor in getting pregnant and being pregnant. She has been  a great shoulder! My mom was so excited she cried.. everyone was ready for this bundle of joy to bless us! We were exploding with joy.

Fast forward six days.. I wake up and schedule a manicure/pedicure with my two close gfs Kristin & Kourtney. I had light spotting which is normal for two days and was told to rest and hydrate. I took it seriously and did as told. But as I get out of bed on Sunday  and go to the rest room I have a surge of blood (TMI..sorry). I called the girls and canceled and immediately called my doctor. The doctor said that bleeding is typical in pregnancy but must solve itself since there is no treatment for it. I was to be on bed rest and hydrate. I lay in bed all day- Nate waits on me hand and foot (great husband). Than around 6pm I pass a huge clot which I was instructed to go to the nearest ER immediately. We go to North Cypress Hospital immediately- they process me fast. Get me to a bed, draw blood, urine and do an ultrasound and than we wait in not a room but a curtained area where everyone can hear us and us them for 4 long hours. I'm a mess- having moments of calmness mixed with crying because I know what is happening. The doctor comes in three times thinking while crying I am in pain, in which I explain that  I am upset. Than 5 hours later the doctor comes in with my results and tells me I was not pregnant and the four tests were false positives. He was insensitive and blunt. I tried to ask questions in which he didn't answer. He prescribed me iron for my anemia and antibiotics for a UTI and discharged me. But, before we left the nurse said you may still be pregnant you levels are low but it might just be too early for the baby to be seen (insert false hope here). I am emotionally drained and cry in the bathroom because I am shaken.. confused and angry.  My mom helps dress me and we go home. I was instructed to follow up with my OB the next day.

I proceed to the OB today. It was a emotional night and morning. I knew this morning as shower I lost the baby- my body is showing all the signs again. I break down and ball for hours.. cry so much I am numb now and have no tears to cry any longer. My Ob is very sensitive and explains that indeed I was pregnant and had a early miscarriage.  I'm devestated.. that glimmer of hope is lost. She tells me it common and that we can try again in August, yet to give my body time to heal again. To enjoy our vacation and take it easy.

Two of my babies are waiting to meet me in heaven today. Some might feel it is ridiculous for me to mourn a baby that was 5 weeks old but I was already attached. I thought there was no way god would entrust me with another pregnancy to lose it again.  I laid in bed yesterday and prayed- I prayed so hard. I told God I trusted him and I knew he knew my child before I would and that I knew he would take care of me and the baby. I asked for him to calm me so that I could not worry.. and I know in my darkest moments he was there.. but I am at such a loss for why this has happened again.

I feel stupid for having hope that this baby would make it.. but I am human and wanted that child so dearly. I know I will be a parent. I know that I will meet my beautiful children on earth and eventually in heaven.

I want so dearly to try again but I am not sure I can endure another loss again. In trying for this child I didn't take into account that I would lose this baby. I thought only of the positive outcome of a baby.. I am not giving up.. I am just taking a break to heal and let this all sink in.. but it is overwhelming. My mom sat and told me as she held me in the hospital and again in my bed,  that I love life so vividly that I cherished this baby from day 1 and that is what God wants us to do.. not live in the fear of the devil. I want to relish the beautiful in life and not settle on the ugly. I want to have my life as a painting only be spotted with dark moments, yet is so hard to move from these dark moments when you are in them.

I appreciate all my friends and family who have shown support.. but please do not tell me that "god has a plan", "something was wrong with this child and you wouldn't want it to suffer", "its natures way of natural selection".. or your friends story of infertility. I can't take that right now.. I appreciate positive thoughts and prayers over Nate and I.. please understand that I just need to process this loss of another baby. Alot of people don't feel it is appropriate to mourn the loss of a miscarriage or speak of it. I feel that I need to acknowledge this loss so I have written a letter to my child..

Eulogy to my child:
Baby E went to heaven to be with God on  June 26, 2011
Expected Birth date would have been March 1, 2011

My little peanut, in the short time I knew you I loved you so. We were so excited that God had entrusted us to be your parents. We cherished all the signs of pregnancy from the tiredness to car sickness on the way home from Illinois. I know that God knows you and his hand formed you, it is also his hand who chose your time to come to him. I trust that it is a better place than where you were and I am gratefully for that. But I so wish we could have meet you, I wish we could have seen you grow and that we could have cherished you for a day, months, years longer than what we had with you. I will meet you soon enough.. with all my love.  

 God loves you...He chose you to be His own. I Thessalonians 1:4 NLT

Thank you for allowing my personal thoughts. I appreciate all the kind words, positive thoughts and prayers.

Sarah's SuMmEr HoUsE (on an Island- jEaLoUs)!!!

Do you watch HGTV Sarah's Summer House? I just started watching Sarah and have to say she has amazing style whether is be a cottage on an island (my style house) or a mid century home. I just love love her style.. check out a few of her spaces on her cottage island home

I love the causal ness of the home, the mix of patterns, mix of modern, traditional and cottage decor that makes it feel so absolutely homey. I am just lusting after this house especially the dining room with the wingback chairs, banker chairs and bench. I love it!!

Summer Progress & it's only Day 2!

Summer has begun and being only day two I have accomplished alot! My first day off I had an early hair appt with Diana.. she did a great job except she cut the front a little too much around the face I prefer a more angled cut with longer than the front! But it still looks good..Here is my summer cut and color.

After the hair cut, I went to hang out with Nate at school (Nate had to work 3 more days than I did) for a bit and than I took the car to the dealership to get an oil change, tire balance and rotation. Because the car is a 2011 no one has the parts for the oil change yet and we needed it to be ready to go to St Louis for our trip this month. Nate was sweet enough to come pick me up while the car got worked on for 2 hours, so I accomplished getting my FASFA done for my grad school for my next year 2011-2012. Which 2011-2012 will be my last year in school- celebrate! 

When Nate and I got married , Hawaii government employees were working 4 days a week short handed - which means way behind. We got married in July and I didn't see our marriage certificate till October. Due to this I waited to change my name on my social and DL. Finally I went one Friday after a half day at school and stood in line at the DMV for 3 hours to change my name. The DMV only required the marriage certificate so it wasn't a huge deal. I figured I would do my social soon...yet I never got around to it because I kept my maiden name anyhow so it wasn't a huge issue. When we filed our taxes I filed under my maiden name. So I filed FASFA and because I didn't change my social they said to file under my name on my social which is my maiden name.I thought oh no problem my university has both names listed they will know it is me.

After I finished we picked up the car and meet some friends at a local pub for dinner and drinks. We ended up closing the place down (meaning 2am).. which meant I spent my second day sleeping in and relaxing. It was a perfect day complete with sweet tea, people magazine and the sun shining...until (insert scary dun dun dun music here)my adviser for my masters program called. They had recieved my FASFA but because my records at school state my maiden and Embley as well as my marriage certificate and DL, I had to officially change my social and reapply on FASFA or they wouldn't release my funding due to them thinking it was fraudulent. FUN TIMES! Like most americans I can't afford my masters without grants and loans- I need that funding and my summer school ends June 20th and I need funding for fall semester right after that! I quickly went from relaxing in the sun to sitting at Social Security Administration with a lovely crowd (sarcasm) to change my name.. hey yeah it is almost a year married and I hadn't officially changed my name.. no judging--this is a no judging zone! 

So after an hour waiting.. I know pretty good right I get called up and the lady tells me I will have to verify things and if I lie I'll go to jail..yady yady. Than she prints off my records and asks me to verify. Well the father listed is my adopted fathers first and middle name and my biological fathers last name with my adopted fathers SS # listed. I made the lady aware that this is wrong and she didn't seem the least bit worried that my records on file were F*ed up. I explained to her that I was adopted so this would be my 3rd card given since I was given one at birth with Cates on it, One when adopted as Buckholtz and now one with Embley. I wanted the records to be right. Nope the lady didnt care just said sign and you can fix over the phone call this number. So I went on my merry way and called my mom to tell her someone messed up big time at the SS office with my adoption and application for SS card. But I got my new card coming and my funding issues with school have all been sorted out on my side (YEAH!).

Than I came home and started thinking about our anniversary cruise one month away. Can you believe it.. a year has flown by! I paid for the crusie at Spring Break and Nate said he would pay for the expenses on the cruise (its how we budget) and I know Nate purchased a nice massage for me on the boat (i'm not suppose to know) ..yet I hadn't gotten him anything and he told me not to. He kept saying the vacation is our present to each other- which is fine and all but it is our first. SO I started thinking of ways to make it special..

When we were in Hawaii, we were walking and stopped in this Jewelry store to look at local jewelry. We found these really cool rings that were carved very intricately with a native print the Natives used. The rings were gorgeous with hibiscus flower and maile leaves..suprisingly Nate liked them too. We got a card with the information so we could order for our anniversary or special occasion..being that we just paid for a wedding we didn't have the cash to throw down for second rings. I really loved the rings and Nate liked them also. He was the one who asked for a card so we could order later over the phone or internet.

Well at xmas we started talking about them again and we really wanted to order them but we decided we needed to save for vacation this summer and my summer salary since I don't receive pay during summer since I am private school. Today I decided I would order them and surprise Nate with them. I went online and found the website where you can custom order the rings from the same company we tried them on in Hawaii. But I couldn't decide on the pattern because they have 10 to chose from and alot are similar versions of each other. Luck would have it I found the card with our sizes, mm of the ring width, and pattern in my wallet still!

So I ordered the rings with engraved inside our wedding date  7.11.10 and the other person name. So my ring will say 7.11.10 Nate and his will say 7.11.10 Tricia. They should arrive while we are in STL, so my neighbor will get them for me which means Nate will have no clue at all about them (heheheheh). If he saw the box he would remember but we'll be out of town.

I can't wait to surprise him on the cruise on our first anniversary with the present!!

These are the rings! I know they are different and not for everyone. But they remind us of our time in Hawaii and they are hand carved and they will mean something to us.Nate always does nice things for me, so I can't wait to totally surprise him. I know it is isn't an IPAD or a golf trip.. but it is something that when he sees it, he'll think of our special times in Hawaii and it will last forever. I also think the one lil diamond is perfect because it is our one year anniversary! I know I am so gushy and romantic right!!
After I sneakily ordered the ring, Nate made us turkey spaghetti with the addition of his home grown bell peppers and my basil. It was delicious.

 Don't mind the no shirt- it's a no shoes noshirt policy here in summer.. today it hit a record high of 100 degrees (which is the temp on my car).. yeah HOT!


So far summer has been very busy- but I accomplished alot and it feels awesome.. who knows what Ill do tomorrow. Bella has her eye set on chilling in the sun again and chirping at the birds..maybe I will take my lead from Bella since I am still not sure about this relaxing thing yet.

Happy SUMMER yall!