Monday

Best & Worst Day of My Life..

 Some might think this isn't appropriate for me to speak so soon on such an intimate thing in my personal life, but blogging is like journaling to me..therapeutic. I need to get these emotions out and I'm sorry if I offend anyone.. but they are my emotions in which you can't rationalize or judge me for. Everyone mourns on their own. On that note let me start our story..

June 20th I tested for being pregnant. Nate and I have been trying  for a bit and this was the first month to use an ovulation kit to document my ovulation and I just had a feeling I was pregnant. I took the test and got this little result:
I didn't believe I was pregnant, yet I was so excited that I showed Nate and made him go and get 4 more tests. I proceeded over the next week to take.. all Positive. I felt so blessed. I finally had given up my worry about having a family to God and he blessed us with a baby! I trusted him to know our future and he gave us this beautiful opportunity to be parents.  We told our moms and our sisters. Julie (my sis in law) has been my preggo counselor in getting pregnant and being pregnant. She has been  a great shoulder! My mom was so excited she cried.. everyone was ready for this bundle of joy to bless us! We were exploding with joy.

Fast forward six days.. I wake up and schedule a manicure/pedicure with my two close gfs Kristin & Kourtney. I had light spotting which is normal for two days and was told to rest and hydrate. I took it seriously and did as told. But as I get out of bed on Sunday  and go to the rest room I have a surge of blood (TMI..sorry). I called the girls and canceled and immediately called my doctor. The doctor said that bleeding is typical in pregnancy but must solve itself since there is no treatment for it. I was to be on bed rest and hydrate. I lay in bed all day- Nate waits on me hand and foot (great husband). Than around 6pm I pass a huge clot which I was instructed to go to the nearest ER immediately. We go to North Cypress Hospital immediately- they process me fast. Get me to a bed, draw blood, urine and do an ultrasound and than we wait in not a room but a curtained area where everyone can hear us and us them for 4 long hours. I'm a mess- having moments of calmness mixed with crying because I know what is happening. The doctor comes in three times thinking while crying I am in pain, in which I explain that  I am upset. Than 5 hours later the doctor comes in with my results and tells me I was not pregnant and the four tests were false positives. He was insensitive and blunt. I tried to ask questions in which he didn't answer. He prescribed me iron for my anemia and antibiotics for a UTI and discharged me. But, before we left the nurse said you may still be pregnant you levels are low but it might just be too early for the baby to be seen (insert false hope here). I am emotionally drained and cry in the bathroom because I am shaken.. confused and angry.  My mom helps dress me and we go home. I was instructed to follow up with my OB the next day.

I proceed to the OB today. It was a emotional night and morning. I knew this morning as shower I lost the baby- my body is showing all the signs again. I break down and ball for hours.. cry so much I am numb now and have no tears to cry any longer. My Ob is very sensitive and explains that indeed I was pregnant and had a early miscarriage.  I'm devestated.. that glimmer of hope is lost. She tells me it common and that we can try again in August, yet to give my body time to heal again. To enjoy our vacation and take it easy.

Two of my babies are waiting to meet me in heaven today. Some might feel it is ridiculous for me to mourn a baby that was 5 weeks old but I was already attached. I thought there was no way god would entrust me with another pregnancy to lose it again.  I laid in bed yesterday and prayed- I prayed so hard. I told God I trusted him and I knew he knew my child before I would and that I knew he would take care of me and the baby. I asked for him to calm me so that I could not worry.. and I know in my darkest moments he was there.. but I am at such a loss for why this has happened again.

I feel stupid for having hope that this baby would make it.. but I am human and wanted that child so dearly. I know I will be a parent. I know that I will meet my beautiful children on earth and eventually in heaven.

I want so dearly to try again but I am not sure I can endure another loss again. In trying for this child I didn't take into account that I would lose this baby. I thought only of the positive outcome of a baby.. I am not giving up.. I am just taking a break to heal and let this all sink in.. but it is overwhelming. My mom sat and told me as she held me in the hospital and again in my bed,  that I love life so vividly that I cherished this baby from day 1 and that is what God wants us to do.. not live in the fear of the devil. I want to relish the beautiful in life and not settle on the ugly. I want to have my life as a painting only be spotted with dark moments, yet is so hard to move from these dark moments when you are in them.

I appreciate all my friends and family who have shown support.. but please do not tell me that "god has a plan", "something was wrong with this child and you wouldn't want it to suffer", "its natures way of natural selection".. or your friends story of infertility. I can't take that right now.. I appreciate positive thoughts and prayers over Nate and I.. please understand that I just need to process this loss of another baby. Alot of people don't feel it is appropriate to mourn the loss of a miscarriage or speak of it. I feel that I need to acknowledge this loss so I have written a letter to my child..

Eulogy to my child:
Baby E went to heaven to be with God on  June 26, 2011
Expected Birth date would have been March 1, 2011

My little peanut, in the short time I knew you I loved you so. We were so excited that God had entrusted us to be your parents. We cherished all the signs of pregnancy from the tiredness to car sickness on the way home from Illinois. I know that God knows you and his hand formed you, it is also his hand who chose your time to come to him. I trust that it is a better place than where you were and I am gratefully for that. But I so wish we could have meet you, I wish we could have seen you grow and that we could have cherished you for a day, months, years longer than what we had with you. I will meet you soon enough.. with all my love.  

 God loves you...He chose you to be His own. I Thessalonians 1:4 NLT

Thank you for allowing my personal thoughts. I appreciate all the kind words, positive thoughts and prayers.

2 comments:

  1. We love you & Nate! Thinking of you -
    Sarah & Phil

    ReplyDelete
  2. I stumbled upon your blog today and loved it! I was reading this post and began balling in tears. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. You seem so strong and thank you for sharing your personal story.

    ReplyDelete