Roller coaster act 2

After an emotionally & physically exhausting day, we thought I might get a break.. Around the same time it happened before sane symptoms. Stomach nausea and diherrea.. They say the contractions cause your go tract to empty it. Than contractions intense. 

Luckily Ut doc, world recognized with over 500 published articles Dr. Sibai, was here today & he wasn't taking me to the delivery room on his watch. Dr. Sibai specializes in preeclampsia and actually saved the life of my friend Meghann & her 24 weeker Lizzie who just went home. He's a genius.. But sometimes I don't agree with him & I've surprised the residents by speaking up. He tells me dr google you're the boss! 

Yesterday his course of action was aggressive as he says this is our big guns. We're buying time to get to Friday.. 29 weeks. He said my old contraction meds wasn't working on my receptors, so I'm on indomencin for 48 hrs. it takes 2 hrs to take effect but it finally worked. In addition, my rescue steriods for Piper are running out thief life span is 2 weeks so we started there's he dose once again. There are risks to this but they outweigh the benefits right now. Took first dose at 4, so another one today. 

We are buying time literally.. I'm so extremely agitated and frustrated right now. I really can't handle your pats on the back and way to gos. I've tried hard to stay calm for piper. But I'm mad.. I'm mad were buying time and my body is prepping itself for the real deal. The drs have informed me that if Piper wants to come she is coming. Here we were getting comfortable and stable at 28 weeks and I was looking to 32 and now we are begging for 29. I'm frustrated because  I'm not ready!! I want more time.

I know you're thinking, Tricia 28 is better than 23. Yea it is and I'm grateful for that don't get me wrong but 28 weekers  struggle and go to Nicu. 28-29 is not full term. I had this glimmer of hope and its crushed... I want it back. I'm selfish and I want to make it longer. I want my baby to grow and be ok. I want to make it to Mother's Day like I promised Dr Haws who's in Maui on a beach!! By the way I was contracting and to get my mind off it they showed me pics of your wedding DrHaws.. Just as gorgeous as I thought!! 

I want to be ready and I'm not! I'm 7 months pregnant in total fear of my child's survival outside the womb. So anything you say right now as supportive as it is.. Yeah it doesn't get to me right now becuz this mama is mad! I also have a hard time taking it; because unless you've stared this dragon down.. This same dragon your heart can't comprend. It might hurt for me but it can't really understand the range of emotions I'm going thru. The physical and emotional pain. Sandra says. It's normal and I've been so positive to come so far.. But that's just it I've worked my butt off to get this far I'm not backing down now!

My dearest Piper,
  We haven't officially meet yet, but you're the one who knows my heart the best. Hears it beat daily. You're the one who knows my left hip bone like no one else. You're the one who loves to dance to my voice as Jack Johnson, Marley and Norah Jones plays. You're the one I look forward to waking in the night to feel.  I can't  begin to explain the love your father and I feel for you.. So these moments we are terrified with this unforeseen waiting. 

I can't wait to count your fingers, check your toes, see if you have your daddy's red hair and your mama nose. But I can wait a little longer. 

You see the day we heard you heart beat for the first time, we cried. Our world was forever changed. It wasn't the two of us any longer. My mama instinct kicked into High gear and you're all my world could focus on. Now that we face such uncertainty, I say to you Ill walk the ring of fire my child to save you. Ill do the unstoppable to be able to raise you. Ill let go of all my previous dreams of what this should look like to see you thrive. People tell me I'm brave, but I'm not. This is my new job and you're the brave one my dear. You're the fighter pilot and I'm just the carrier, hoping the seat belt and protective air bags are preventive enough to beat all foreseen odds! Miracles happens look we got pregnant with you! 

Everything I knew prior to this stopped, I'm no longer a teacher. I'm no longer a great friend or a sister. All I am is Piper's mother.  My identity has changed my dear all because of you. My outlook on life has forever been changed because of you. 

Your siblings brought us the same joy, but we weren't able to carry them as long. We weren't able to take them home. Their  in heaven watching over you. Daily I'm reminded of those journeys and how we prayed for you. It changed the way we take this journey. We are cautiously optimistic, but never has our love ceased its grown more.  We prayed for you before you were even in my womb. You truly are our miracle child. Already you've beaten so many odds, my heart swells with pride. But please I beg of you don't earn your angel wings too soon my child. Your Mommy's selfish heart can't take that route again. 

I love you and I know this is your show. So you keep growing and if today is the day we meet, know that my heart will swell to an unthinkable size. But if you chose to stay I will take it with no offense. 

Dearest Pip Sqeak.. Hold on. Hold on for dear life. You're the strongest one of the two of us! I need you.. With all my broken heart. You complete our puzzle. 

Your mama look up jJ heller I get to be the one.. 


  1. As one who has stared this dragon down, and delivered at 27w4days, I am not one for platitudes. When I was in your position, I remember my OB telling me that it now time for me get a new attitude. At the time, it made me REALLY angry. I felt like he just didn't get it. But in reality, it was the best thing he could have said to me. I needed to leave my own pity party and embrace what was coming, because whether I like it or not, Brennan was coming. His words catapulted me into the world of Motherhood. This road you now walk is not easy... but it's good. Even when the outcome is not what you want... it's good. This is your time to embrace the Word that, "All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose."
    Love you!

    1. Aunt Cheri,
      I have been super positive up to this point so much so they tagged me the floor ambassador. But these past two days have been hard.. And the doc actually told me its ok to feel this now. I'm allowed to feel it.. I'm not one to dwell. Once I have a good cry and write it out I move on.. But I can't keep this in.

  2. It will eat me alive if I bottle my feelings and put a fake face on like I have for so many years.

  3. It is super hard sweetie. Super, super hard. Your feelings are always valid, and never wrong. Absolutely do not keep it in...