Cabin fever

This past week due to my contracting, I wasn't allowed as many freedoms. I stayed in bed.. Scared the contractions would come again & Piper would be here. We cut my shower time from 10 to 5 minutes. 

But I'm losing it in this bed! I want to be outside so bad. I dream of walking 2 miles with my dog and husband like we used to almost daily. I dream of sitting on my pool deck soaking in the rays enjoying my backyard while everything is green & in bloom. I dream of just laying outside hearing, smelling, feeling nature.  I dream of nesting in Piper's nursery. I dream of just being in my house, my stuff, my pets.. The comforts of my home..

That's all they are dreams, cuz this baby has to cook. I know that if I start walking she will come. I know that if I push the limits she will come. I know becuz the pressure and pain I've felt the last week is telling me. Yet my mind is so preoccupied with getting out of this room. 

It's selfish of me to want to do, when we have been given miraculously 4o days of cooking. When we were admitted they thought she wouldn't make it 24 weeks and at 1 lb and 5 oz her likely hood of survival was slim. 

Now we are 29 weeks and 3 days.. With a baby that is growing! She is almost 3 lbs! I'm so thankful for her health and that she has stayed put. 

Yet, my mind is playing games with me. My mind says you need to move. It's innate in humans to move- we were first hunters & scavengers. My mind says you need to be home. My mind says you need to go home and prep for Piper, you're not ready. It longs to nest in the nursery, cuz I won't have that ability once she is here. Praying I won't be in the NICU with her and we will go home. Either way I will have a baby in NICU or a newborn and not be able to nest. 

I'm missing out on the most natural thing a mother does.. Prep for baby. It's disappointing. I adore making spaces in my home special. I wanted to do that for my daughter. 

The best thing for my daughter is rest.. So I lay here while my mind hates this room. I lay here and endure every ache and pain that I'm so highly aware of becuz it's all I think about since I'm not occupied teaching. I lay here and listen to the carts roll by my room, people walking by, jealous of their movement of their hecticness. I want that feeling again, to be so busy- a 100 miles an hour. Instead, I  lay here following my schedule of nurses and dr coming in. Barely sleeping becuz the constant noise, constant checking on me, vitals needed.. It's like I'm a zombie going thru the motions. 

They said I might be able to get a short ride today if I behave.. They say behave as in no contractions. So I will drink water to stay hydrated till my eyes float as nurse Marianne says.. And cross my toes that my body behaves. I need out. Even ten minutes out now isn't enough.. 

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