I thought I was over the hurdle of being hurt, anger and upset about my loss of my child. I thought that the tears would stop and I could just mourn that I lost my child. That was until last night. We are blessed by the Lord with friends that are so spectacular that they are like family. They take care of us when we are hurting, they laugh with us when we are happy and they cheer us on when it comes to achieving our dreams. What better friends could you ask for right? Well those great friends are so incredibly generous that they have passed down major items you would need for the first year of a baby's life. Recently they gifted us with a bouncer, swing, boopy pillow and a couple other items. I thought it was awesome and I was so appreciative of their generousity.
Than last night Nate came home with more baby items in the car from our wonderful friends. I lost it. I don't know what triggered these emotions really but I started crying and couldn't stop. I started thinking about the misscarriage how my emotions have changed so much over the past months but it doesn't hurt any less. I than realized that if I hadn't had my misscarriage I would be holding a baby soon. I would be giving birth any day now and I would have a baby. I would be holding and loving on my child.. but God had other plans. I have so many people tell me just know God had plans for your family and that the Baby needed to be with God. I understand that it makes you feel better to tell me my baby needed to be with God. But I think that is a load of crap for you to say to me unless you have lost your child. Unless you have been where I have been and went thru the pain physically and mentally don't give me this God has your child bs.
Please understand that I trust God and I know he has a plan. And I truely believe my child is in heaven and one day I will meet him or her and hold them. But for someone to tell me these things when they haven't been there is hurtful and doesn't lessen the pain for me. It angers me. It angers me when someone says this to me and they have a family or a beautiful baby and have never lost a child. How can you tell me this when you haven't even been there and you have exactly what I wish for so bad.
So please understand that deep down I am hurting. I am hurting and I don't need to hear from you to trust my faith and that God has a plan. Because in my lifetime God has made me fear him, hate him and love him and I know that there is a God. I know that he has a plan but it isn't for you to tell me so you feel better about my loss.
I write all this and it may feel like these are harsh words. But it seems that women that have never felt loss like to use these nice words to me and it truely is a stab at my heart. Yet at the same time I have meet wonderful women in real life and in blog land that have had infant mortality and miscarriage. It is comforting for me to hear other womans stories that have survived and have seen the darkness I have been to but now are in the light. This is comforting because they aren't speaking words just to make me feel better. They are speaking words because they know the pain and they know how it feels.
Last night I found the beautiful blog called Life Rearranged. She is doing a whole section of posts on infant mortality and miscarriage. It is true sadness but she is doing it to make people aware and raise money and in a sense help woman like me who are still in a bad place.
I read her post from : A Different Kind of Mother – Julie Carson {infant loss/miscarriage}. Which I have copied and pasted below because I feel these words resounded in me and helped me.
It was a happy normal day.
I had been contracting all weekend.
The ladies at bible study were giving me tips on how to jumpstart labor.
Funny tips.
I had my last OB appointment that afternoon.
The clothes were washed.
The room was painted.
The crib was built.
The suitcase was packed.
The carseat was safely buckled in the back of our car.
We were ready.
But in fact, we were far from ready.
Not ready in any sense of the word.
Not ready to hear the words “there is no heartbeat.”
Not ready for the dark and scary road that suddenly was in front of us.
The road we were forced to suddenly walk.
A road where babies die.
Where arms are empty.
Where planning a memorial and choosing a casket are part of the journey.
Two days later I gave birth to our 6lb. 8oz. daughter
Joy Emma.
Our daughter that we would never see take her first steps.
Graduate from high school.
Get married.
Have children of her own.
Everything we planned, everything we knew, changed that day.
We were parents without a child.
Grieving for a future that we would not see.
Dreams that would not come true.
Our hearts broke that day.
We became different people.
What we did not realize is that we became better people.
Stronger people.
People who have more strength than we ever imagined.
Love more fully.
Care deeply.
Live passionately.
Serve thankfully.
Give generously.
Long for heaven like nothing else.
That day I never would have imagined the legacy that Joy’s short life would leave.
The people who have been changed and encouraged.
The mother that I am now is an entirely different one than I would have been without Joy.
Every day is a gift.
Every moment is precious.
I am abundantly blessed.
With my three sweet girls here on earth and with my sweet girl in heaven.
My daughter that I will see again.
Hold again.
I realize now that the months of mourning and grieving are just the dark brushstrokes on the beautiful, wonderful painting that is my life.
The painting that is still so much a mystery, but a wonderful masterpiece that will all make perfect sense when it is completed.
I simply cannot wait for that day.
* * * *
This series is not just a litany of stories.
My goal is that it helps heal. Encourage. Glorify.
In conjunction with this series, we are also supporting one another in love by fundraising for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.
If you would like to read more on this please visit : http://liferearranged.com/category/infant-lossmiscarriage/
I cried myself to sleep last night and I woke up to more tears. I drove to work crying. But I keep telling myself that God wouldn't show me this pain if the human body, mind and soul weren't so resilent. I know that the human mind, soul and body are because I have made it thru so much already in my short time here on earth. So I trust that GOD is leading me to woman that will help guide me thru this pain, he is guiding me to him for comfort and providing me with friends that will be generous even if just causes me pain. Because pain is part of the grieving game and one day I won't feel it as bad. Yet I will never totally heal from this. There will always be a scar on my heart.
I'm sorry for the lenghty post.. but I needed to get the words out. I needed to say how I felt. So if you read to this part I thank you for reading and supporting me in my healing. May I complete this marathon in life with God, family, friends and faith by my side.
Love you, Tricia, and believe you will be comforted.
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