You are My Sunshine

When I was a little girl my mom always woke us up singing "You are my Sunshine" or "Rise and Shine & Give God the Glory". It was tradition in our house. As I got older (teen) my mom still did it and I would tell her to shh mom. I mean as a teen you can't pretend to think your mom waking you up the same way as she did when you are little was cool. Sometimes though because I secretly liked it my mom would wake me up first and than we would go and sing to my sisters.  But as much as I pretended to hate it, it was comforting to have my mom wake me with lovely words each day.

I sometimes miss hearing someone sing to me each morning. So in the mornings I listen to Pandora Radio - Jack Johnson's Radio Station while I get ready. It plays alot of Children Songs and slow hawaiian based music (very relaxing). This morning I woke up to You are my sunshine playing on Pandora. I know it was just coincendence that it came on this morning. But it was like God was telling me "here is your comfort..I am here". Even as a grown woman I need comforting still. I cry and my mom still crys with me. She lives about 40 mins away and is a Director at a Hospital.. so she is busy.. so she doesn't come and hold me like she would when I was little. But sometimes when you are hurting you wish your mom would hold you.

This morning when You are my Sunshine came on, it first reminded me that God has a plan. He has a plan and he is with me. It than reminded me of my mom; all those days she sang those familiar words to me. Than I started listening to the lyrics and it reminded me that this song was almost wrote just for me. It sings about how please don't take my sunshine away and how I lay dreaming of holding you but I awoke to relize you aren't there and hung my head and cried.

See after the miscarriage my sunshine was taken away and there have been many nights and days I sit dreaming about what my baby would have looked like- Me or Nate or a great combination of us. What my baby would feel like to hold. What my child would have become if I would have been able to have him/her and raise him/her.  I have hung my head and cried.. so I feel like this song as beautiful as it is held bigger meaning now than it ever has.

Last night I talked with Nate about my feelings currently. I am going thru so many emotions about the miscarriage still. But on top of all that I am late. I am not really late yet so I don't want to get my hopes up again.. so I told him. He is like well lets go take a test. As much as I want a child, those pregnancy test scare me more now than before. Because what if I am and than I loss  another pregnancy.. and if I am not it is the disheartening feelings that I had a little glimmer of being pregnant again.

Nate is so sure we will get pregnant again, he is so sure that we will have a baby and have a family. I love that he is so positive and sure of it. But sometimes I question how can you be so certain. I am going thru all these rollercoaster emotions and he's so positive it will be ok. It's funny because when we go thru crisis it always flip flops on who is the one that is certain in their faith and sure that things will be ok. Many times it has been me telling him I am sure it will be ok. But in this instance I have questioned everything and Nate has always been sure. Thank God I have him. He assured me last night that God wasn't punishing me and he knew I would be a mom. It's funny because he says one of the reason he chose me as a wife is because he always knew I would be a great mom. I think that is funny.. because I never considered his potential till I was pregnant. I know he will be aweseome but it never occured to me. He told me about how he used to watch me with his neices and nephews or when I was working as a nanny. He said he knew than that I would be awesome. It touched my heart to hear him say it.

Below I posted the words to You are my Sunshine. I know almost everyone knows the words but really read them. The words resounded in me this morning and I hope my sunshine is in Heaven with my Grandma & Grandpa being loved right now by them and all the beautiful angels with them. I pray that I will meet my sunshine someday. But until then I will accept these dark moments as the dark spots of the painting of my life just like Julie said and wait for the beautiful light colorful moments to take over all those dark spots.

You Are My Sunshine



My only sunshine.


You make me happy


When skies are grey.


You'll never know, dear,


How much I love you.


Please don't take my sunshine away






The other nite, dear,


As I lay sleeping


I dreamed I held you in my arms.


When I awoke, dear,


I was mistaken


And I hung my head and cried.






You are my sunshine,


My only sunshine.


You make me happy


When skies are grey.


You'll never know, dear,


How much I love you.


Please don't take my sunshine away.






I'll always love you


And make you happy


If you will only stay the same


But if you leave me


To love another


You'll regret it all some day;






You are my sunshine,


My only sunshine.


You make me happy


When skies are grey.


You'll never know, dear,


How much I love you.


Please don't take my sunshine away.






You told me once, dear


You really loved me


And no one else could come between


But now you've left me


And love another


You have shattered all my dreams;






You are my sunshine,


My only sunshine.


You make me happy


When skies are grey.


You'll never know, dear,


How much I love you.


Please don't take my sunshine away.