25 weeks 4 days

I've been here almost two weeks now. Like I said yesterday, there are a team of doctors that see us and they each have their own opinion of what should be done. So today the Dr on rounds was the head of the department. Even though the doctors changed I have had the same third yr resident (dr haus) and charge nurse (sandra) on my case. So when I have concerns I speak to them about them.
Luckily, the department head heard my concerns via them today. He reassured us that there will be more consistency in the plan of action. I will be here till 28 weeks which is May 3 and they will reevaluate my case than, if need be. But it made me feel better that there won't be any fast balls thrown my way. Nate and I just couldn't take all the curve balls thrown yesterday unexpectedly. Like they keep telling us its a roller coaster and I'm just trying to hang on.
Sandra let my nurse know also that we were exhausted so they let me sleep more this am than normal.. And no tests today! Unfortantely, tomorrows another day! I will have to take the three hour glucose test and get stuck a bunch of times. Which we all know I have a huge phobia of needles. I pray I pass this next test because I really don't want to have to stick myself daily for blood sugar results. In addition, I will have an ultrasound to measure my lovely super c and check my fluids! I'm hoping that the super c has decided to stop being dynamic and grow a little more!
I was looking at my pregnancy calendar today.. If I were to go full term I have 100 more days. One hundred... Mind boggling that she could be here any day.

Just pray she survives. I'm not sure I can handle another loss of a child. I'm not sure I'm strong enough for this road ahead. The uncertainty, unexpected, no promises to keep, future scares the living poop out of me!

Some people keep telling me you're so brave, you're so strong! One more day down and enjoy the bed rest. In reality, I'm just like y'all.. I'm not any stronger. I've just been given this road.. A road Nate & I never saw coming. We're doing our best to just trudge along that road. But when people mention that bed rest is enjoyable.. It's not. When people think I'm strong.. I'm not. I know that these things are said to be encouraging, but its incredibly scary road ahead and I don't alway feel as if I am capable of living up to these words spoken to me and about me.

I've just adjusted to this horror of our child could be born early and could have so many things wrong with her and its all out of my control. She could be born and not make it. We don't know. Hopefully, she will be born healthy and strong. But there is no crystal ball. There is no guarantee. I would never wish this upon anyone and I really think many take pregnancy for granted. I am so incredibly envious (yes I shouldn't be I know) of woman who have normal pregnancy and healthy babies. I follow people on fb and see their concerns and now I laugh. I laugh because we as humans are so concerned with the trivial in life. We are consumed by traffic, what people think of us, if we're too fat, too skinny, drive the right car..etc. I laugh because if there is anything these struggles with fertility have taught me is, that the real things in life are the people we hold dear. When we leave none of that other stuff will matter and we need to remember that.

I guess what I mean is to say is that this road may look easy as an outsider. I may seem strong. But I'm not. I'm a terrified 3o yr old that still needs her mom and husband to hold her hand when I get stuck with needles and get bad news. I still wake up at night in terror, asking for comfort. I still have so many fears and anxiety. I'm just holding it together for this precious child I pray I get to raise! The child I hope will look like my mother and I. The child I hope will be smart and witty like her daddy. Like I said end of the day it's for the ones we hold dear.. The one who's heard my heart beat for the past 6 months.

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Tricia! You bear your heart and share the worry that all of us have about our kiddos when they are with us-outside or in! I have some of those same fears and my kids are 12 and 15-will they remain healthy, live to see thier children in a world where bombs go off at races, will they be the people God wants them to be or go thier own way.
    You ARE strong because you know where your strength lies and you rely on HIM for the outcomes. My bestfriend had quads at 32 weeks and in her fear I once told her to not borrow trouble (there is a verse for that!) by going to all the things that could happen before they did and that we would deal with the "isues" when they come, but right now just deal with the known.
    I pray my words encourage and not burden and know that the King of Kings has walked ahead of you and knows the road and that LOTS of people your don't even know are lifting you up to Him daily!