Forewarning: my writing is brutally honest and raw. It's not meant to offend. It's written to express myself as a journal. Writing is therapeutic for me. I don't expect you to understand my feelings or agree with them. This writing is more for me than anything else. So if I do offend, I apologize. Like I said this is my journal with my heart exposed. I hope you can appreciate the rawness instead of judge or be offended.
I've been here 26 days now and we are 27 weeks and 3 days. Some days here are easier than others. Some days are just plain exhausting. Some days I don't make it thru without extreme anxiety and extreme frustration. That's the nature of this beast. You wake up everyday wondering if you will deliver today. Will she come? What will the doctors tell me today? What tests will I have? Will I feel ok today?
As much as I love Piper and can't wait to meet her.. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for her to come yet.. See the selfish person in me wants to be pregnant longer. I really truly enjoy being pregnant and if it weren't for the circumstance I think I would do it again and again. It's magical to be growing someone. To feel them move and kick.. I love it and I want more!! I always thought I would see 8 and 9 months pregnant. I always envisioned being horribly hot in the Houston summer but floating in our pool with my large belly. I always envisioned my natural hospital birth at full term to meet my child. A healthy full term baby..no unnecessary drugs. Those dreams are gone.
The dreams I face now are a total different kind. How many more drugs can they give me? What side effects do they have on me and her? Will I have to have a csection because preemies are at risk for brain bleeds? Will she be able to breathe on her own? Will she cry? Will I get to see her before they take her to NICU? Will she know who I am if I only get to be in the NICU for so many hours? Is she going to make it? These are the brutal truths of my day now..
Here in the antipartum unit the goal is one thing- keep you pregnant. They succeed alot of times and woman have their babies. If the postpartum floor is full momma and baby come back to their room on the antipartum floor. It's been a full house here. So there are twins on one side of me born at 36 weeks and a little girl on the other born at 35 weeks. As precious as it is, these babies born early not even needing NICU time- fully capable of eating and screaming like normal thriving babes. I hear them cry and my heart hurts. The mama next door has been here almost as long as me and today she takes her little girl home! Wonder what it's like to take a baby home.
Every time I've entered a hospital pregnant, I've left empty arms. I yearn to take home a child who cries. It scares me so terribly bad that even though we've made it to 27 and 3 there are still possibilities she won't make it. I can't leave without her. I won't. I will be the crazy person who refuses to leave.
Everyone is so positive we will go home and Piper will be ok. I appreciate the positivity. Yet, I'm a realist. Let's honestly look at my cards.. My cervix is non existent..3 mm to be exact. Piper is growing and head down already pushing each time I have a contraction on my cervix. I don't foresee going full term. Daily, I'm on meds to stop preterm labor. I'm constantly being monitored for baby survival and contractions. I'm constantly being asked if I'm bleeding, leaking, lost my membranes or water broke. Constantly they are feeling my belly for infection.
So as much as I love all the positivity- its a hard pill for me to swallow when not many have walked these shoes. Not many have been on bed rest for a month with the likely hood of birthing a preemie. So I struggle with people's comments sometimes because I think- how can you say that to me when you're not facing these scary in your face stats of whether my child will make it. When you're not here in this bed being asked daily the questions I'm being asked. When you're not having to be poked and prodded, asked to take horrible meds to help you stay pregnant. Because all your job is to stay pregnant when in reality you have no control of your irritable contracting uterus and your short short cervix.
My pregnancy is different. I didn't want different.. I wanted normal. I wanted work till the day I birth her normal. I wanted work out my whole entire pregnancy normal. I wanted to nest normal. I wanted carry to term normal. I wanted to be at home walking around normal.
Instead were here.. And Im learning to be grateful for today but its not easy. It's frustrating. So when you ask how is it going.. It's not normal- it sucks- I'm tired! When you say good job for making it thru the day- I think yeah I did but how many battles did we defeat today and how many are there to face tomorrow. When people say you're a great mama- I think will I have an opportunity to really be one.. Or is this all I get? When people day good job on another week- I think only God got me thru because really I have no control over my body and its shown me that. I'm not in control!!! There I said it- I hate it! I am a planner.. I like control and I don't have any. Everyone else has to care for me, my body decides what it wants and it seems some days the doctors hold my fate.
I want a healthy baby.. Just like you. I want to bring her home. I want to read her this blog when she's old enough and tell her these were the struggles we faced yet you're here. I want to let her know how she has changed my heart forever and no matter what my heart will never be the same. Life took on a new meaning. I want so badly to see her daddy read her scientific facts and have her giggle because he is a dork. I want her to have to go thru torture of watching the golf channel each weekend with her daddy. I want to be able to walk in the March of Dimes next year with my baby in a jogging stroller. I want her to play with scout and giggle because he is going to adore her. I want to see her steal her grandmas hearts, because we all know the love grandmas have.
I'm selfish and I want.. But I know my god is big! I know he is big enough to give me this miracle pregnancy and he is big enough to get me to 27 weeks.. So just maybe he is big enough to make my heart desires come true.